Ayatollah Approves Tesla—As Long As It Doesn’t Use Music to Turn
TEHRAN — In a groundbreaking fatwa that has Elon Musk whispering “Mashallah,” Iran’s highest religious authority, Ayatollah Jalal al-Electroni, has officially approved the use of Tesla vehicles under Islamic law—but only under strict Sharia-compliant conditions.
Effective immediately, Teslas may be imported, registered, and blessed across Iran—as long as they do not play music, produce joy, or autonomously commit zina with another vehicle.
Tesla’s celebrated “AutoPilot” mode has been renamed “AllahPilot,” and the software update includes Quranic audio navigation, a built-in prayer mat, and sudden detours to mosques if the driver’s soul becomes questionable mid-journey.
Fatwa #4429: Thou Shalt Not Twerk with Thy Turn Signal
The fatwa, announced on Friday by the Sharia Court of Techno-Responsibility, states that “vehicles must not encourage fitna through seductive features such as bass-heavy music, colorful LED lights, or heated seats set above hellfire temperature.”
The main concern? Tesla’s turn signal chime—originally a soft melodic ding—was deemed “flirtatious” and “capable of corrupting pious pedestrians.” Clerics claim it could arouse passersby into thoughts of forbidden lane changes or secular freedom.
Tesla agreed to replace the sound with approved alternatives including:
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A donkey bray
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The phrase “Bismillah” in four tones
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The Ayatollah coughing
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The sound of a finger wagging
Tesla’s “Haram Mode” Debuts
To accommodate Islamic guidelines, Tesla engineers unveiled a new setting: Haram Mode—a safety protocol that disables:
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Any music except 12th-century nasheeds
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All interior lighting not inspired by candlelight
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The horn (replaced by a passive-aggressive Hadith quote)
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Bluetooth pairing with phones containing Instagram or Ariana Grande
When the car detects “excessive enthusiasm” from the driver, it automatically pulls over, lowers the windows, and plays a sermon on modesty by a cleric from Qom.
Elon Musk celebrated the changes in a cryptic tweet:
“We’re upgrading software, hardware, and hardware restrictions based on God’s will. #ShariaDrive”
Women Drivers Must Use Guardian Override
While female drivers are technically permitted under the new policy, Sharia Guardianship Protocols must be installed. These include:
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Voiceprint authorization from a male relative
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Window tint exceeding blackout level
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Rearview mirror replaced with “Virtue Reflection Mode”
Should a woman attempt to drive at night, the car gently reminds her:
“Have you sought permission from your father, husband, or divine intuition?”
Critics claim this infringes on women’s rights, but the Ayatollah’s press secretary clarified:
“This isn’t about control. It’s about preventing navigation-based sin.”
Clerics Install “Taqwa GPS”
Iran’s roads now mandate the use of “Taqwa GPS”, a state-certified routing system that avoids:
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Coffee shops with gender mixing
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High-speed temptation zones
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Any neighborhood where cats are publicly photographed
The GPS also pauses for prayer times and automatically adjusts your Estimated Time of Arrival based on Allah’s will. One driver in Shiraz was delayed three hours after the GPS re-routed him around a bakery known for using “too much vanilla.”
If a driver tries to skip prayer, the car shuts off and displays:
“There is no movement except by Allah and this car’s ethics module.”
Tesla Showrooms Transformed into Fatwa Zones
In accordance with Islamic law, all Tesla showrooms must now include:
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Foot-washing stations where customers prepare spiritually before test-driving
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Quranic recitation instead of Muzak
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No talking between genders unless discussing engine torque or God’s greatness
The sales process now includes a Sharia oath, where buyers declare:
“I solemnly swear not to use this car for clubbing, racing, dating, or sneaking past checkpoints disguised as a modest uncle.”
Charging Stations Must Face East
Iran’s Department of Halal Electricity issued a decree requiring all Tesla Superchargers to be built facing Mecca. If your car is not aligned east during charging, it may receive “spiritual corruption voltage,” resulting in a passive-aggressive error message:
“Your soul is off-track. Please recalibrate.”
Charging cables are now wrapped in prayer beads, and every 15 minutes, a prayer call blares through the charger. Fast charging is only available to those who can recite Surah Al-Baqarah without blinking.
Sharia Court to Oversee Software Updates
Future Tesla software will be vetted by the Islamic Board of Cyber-Purity, a panel of bearded theologians trained in JavaScript and Judgment Day prophecy. Any code that promotes “innovation,” “creativity,” or “fun” will be purged and replaced with a “reflection interval”—a five-minute spiritual audit of your ride history.
Elon Musk has reportedly offered to hire clerics directly into Tesla’s AI ethics division, though he accidentally referred to them as “moral plug-ins” during a Zoom call. Talks are ongoing.
Foreign Criticism Labeled Islamophobic
Critics in the West expressed confusion, claiming that restricting Tesla’s features could reduce safety and innovation. In response, the Grand Council of Denial and Irony issued a statement:
“If Westerners don’t want to pray before reverse-parking, that’s their depraved business. But don’t criticize the fusion of faith and firmware.”
Meanwhile, Qatar is rumored to be working on its own electric car: The ShariVolt, which runs on virtue alone and shuts off when passengers discuss democracy.
Final Verdict
Tesla’s Islamic integration shows that progress and piety can co-exist—as long as progress doesn’t include music, women, or velocity. In the new Sharia-compliant Tesla, you won’t just drive forward—you’ll repent, recalibrate, and turn only when God approves.
Ayatollah Approves Tesla
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The car no longer turns left—it only turns “righteously.”
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The horn has been replaced by a whispered Hadith and judgmental eye contact from the dashboard.
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Heated seats are banned unless the heat comes from divine punishment.
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If a female passenger speaks above a whisper, the airbags deploy out of modesty.
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The sunroof opens automatically for angelic inspections during prayer times.
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All Teslas now fast during Ramadan; your mileage may spiritually vary.
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The entertainment screen only displays calligraphy, Quranic verses, or camel documentaries.
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The GPS says, “Recalculating” in Arabic every time you sin.
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Self-driving mode refuses to enter liberal neighborhoods.
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Tesla’s AI now judges your outfit before unlocking the doors.
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Women can drive—but only backwards and while supervised by a theologian.
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When you press the “Music” button, it just sighs and tells you to reflect on the hereafter.
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There is no cruise control, only “Submission to Destiny” mode.
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If you exceed 60mph, the Ayatollah appears on the screen and says, “Not so fast, apostate.”
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Your charging cable now recites a sermon if you try to plug in before doing wudu.
What The Funny People Are Saying About the Ayatollah Khomeini…
“In Sharia Tesla, GPS doesn’t just tell you where to go—it questions why you’re going in the first place.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“This is the only car where the seatbelt says a prayer before you click it.”
— Ron White
“My Tesla wouldn’t start until my wife put on a niqab… and then it still accused her of seduction.”
— Sarah Silverman
“It’s the first electric car powered by guilt and fossilized disappointment.”
— Dave Chappelle
“You don’t get a driver’s license anymore, you get a license to reflect on your sins while slowly accelerating.”
— Larry David
“Even the windshield wipers chant Surahs. I sneezed and it did ablution.”
— Ali Wong
“You don’t steer this car. It steers you away from temptation.”
— Trevor Noah
“I asked if the Tesla had Bluetooth. It said, ‘Only to connect with God.’”
— Chris Rock
“They removed Spotify, but added a muezzin who scolds you for tapping the steering wheel.”
— Amy Schumer
“I played the radio once. Now the car just growls every time I go near it.”
— Bill Burr
“It’s not autopilot. It’s Ayatollah-pilot. The car doesn’t park—it prostrates.”
— Kevin Hart
“This car doesn’t honk at you. It delivers a 45-minute lecture on patience.”
— Groucho Marx
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Ayatollah Khomeini…