Griffith Observatory Now Charging $75 to Wish Upon a Star
Tourists offered premium wish packages with Wi-Fi-enabled constellations.
LOS ANGELES — The Griffith Observatory has introduced a new “Celestial Access Program,” allowing tourists to wish upon a star for a mere $75 — or $125 if you want a faster response from the cosmos. Formerly free, stargazing in L.A. is now part of the booming WishTech™ industry, where capitalism has finally monetized hope itself.
“Wishing is a sacred tradition,” explained observatory spokesperson Luna Brontë. “And like everything sacred in Los Angeles, it now has tiered pricing, optional valet, and a merch table.”
The base package includes one biodegradable wish scroll and access to Polaris, which has been designated the official “Working Class Star.” Meanwhile, Sirius has been sold to HBO for exclusive streaming rights.
What the Funny People Are Saying:
- “Back in my day, you made a wish, then got disappointed for free.” — Ron White
- “For $75, that star better buy me dinner and ghost me politely.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “They’re charging extra if your wish includes an Oscar.” — Amy Schumer
Tourists reported receiving confirmation emails after their wishes, featuring inspirational quotes by astrology influencers and a 15% coupon for moon water. One couple upgraded to the “Lunar VIP Lounge” and were offered personalized horoscopes written by AI trained on Co-Star and Gwyneth Paltrow’s memoir.
UCLA’s Department of Astronomy issued a warning: “Stars do not care about your screenplay. Please manage expectations.”
Still, TikTok has been flooded with videos like: “I Paid $75 to Wish on a Star and Got a Call From My Ex — Coincidence or Cosmic Algorithm?”
IMAGE GALLERY
DISCLAIMER: This article was guided by starlight, sarcasm, and 1.3 bottles of kombucha. Actual wish results may vary. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.