Silicon Valley discovers the fingertip
CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA – Apple has introduced a touchscreen MacBook Pro whose fully upgraded 16-inch configuration can cost approximately $14,549, proving that the company has finally discovered a technology already familiar to toddlers, airport kiosks and the greasy screens at fast-food restaurants.
Touchscreen MacBook Pro Pricing, Starting Point to Maximum
According to MacRumors’ breakdown of the prices, the line starts at a less terrifying $2,899 for the 14-inch model. Buyers who work through the Apple configurator adding memory, storage and other premium options can climb to a figure that would once have purchased a respectable used automobile. Unlike the automobile, the laptop does not transport its owner anywhere, except emotionally toward a second job.
Technology reviewers will describe the touchscreen as a major change in Apple’s laptop philosophy. Ordinary Americans will call it touching the computer, an activity for which previous generations of computer owners have reprimanded them since approximately 1987.
The Math: What $14,549 Buys Instead
Bohiney’s Center for Luxury Arithmetic evaluated the flagship configuration using the standard American household budget. One maxed-out MacBook equals roughly 2,909 five-dollar coffees, 14,549 dollar-store items before tax, or one used car that can actually take you to the office where you earn the money to buy the laptop. The researchers concluded that the machine should at least come with a steering wheel.
Forget the chip, the display and the storage. The remarkable feature is that a person can buy a $14,549 device and cover its gorgeous screen, within minutes, with the same fingerprints found on a microwave door. Apple has turned a universal housekeeping problem into an aspirational lifestyle.
Touchscreen Laptop Sales Floor Report
At a product demonstration run by Bohiney’s Department of Consumer Psychology, a customer asked what the touchscreen could do that a mouse could not. The salesperson replied, “It allows you to interact more naturally.” The customer touched the price tag, had a completely natural panic attack and asked whether the financing department accepted inherited farmland.
The new configuration also introduces a category of workplace anxiety nobody had mapped. A manager who drops an ordinary pen might apologize. A manager who drops a $14,549 laptop has to notify payroll, sell company furniture and possibly enter witness protection. The carrying case deserves its own insurance agent.
Who Actually Needs a High-End Pro Laptop?
Supporters will rightly note that high-end professional computers can handle demanding work such as video editing, software development and scientific computing. They may earn their keep for people whose productivity justifies the expense. But a substantial portion of the population will use every advanced processing core to write “Sounds good, thanks” in an email, browse vacation photos and forget another password.
This raises a question about innovation. Americans will take progress. What they won’t take is a future that costs more than the present and keeps most of its disadvantages, including screen smudges, software updates and the mysterious disappearance of charging cables.
A practical purchasing strategy is to work out what a computer must accomplish before deciding what to spend. A student writing term papers probably does not need enough memory to simulate continental weather patterns. A professional editor rendering complex video might reasonably need serious horsepower. Neither should assume that a higher price automatically produces better jokes. Shoppers can compare models on Apple’s own MacBook Pro page before the financing department gets involved.
Apple’s great accomplishment may be persuading customers that touching a laptop is a luxury experience. At fourteen thousand dollars, the company could go further and provide a uniformed attendant whose sole job is wiping the screen whenever the owner finishes touching it.
The Evidence File
Exhibit A: Itemized Configuration, 16-Inch Touchscreen MacBook Pro
| Line item | Price |
|---|---|
| 16-inch, M5 Max base configuration, 2TB | $4,799 |
| Storage upgrade to 16TB | $7,000 |
| 128GB memory and 40-core graphics | $2,600 |
| Nano-texture glass | $150 |
| Screen-wipe attendant, uniformed | Not available |
| Total | $14,549 |
Exhibit B: Financing Office Intake Form, Question 7
Q7. Please list all assets that may be offered as collateral. Customer response: One-third of a soybean field, a boat I don’t use, my grandfather’s tractor, and my first car, which this laptop costs more than. Please advise whether the tractor is touchscreen compatible.
Exhibit C: Office Incident Report, Floor 4
At 2:15 p.m. an employee dropped a laptop during a meeting about reducing costs. The laptop landed screen-down. The room went silent for eleven seconds. The employee asked whether payroll was in the building. The controller said payroll was en route. The employee asked whether the company still sold furniture. The employee has been reassigned to the mail room, where nothing is touch-sensitive.
Five Observations From the Genius Bar
- Fourteen thousand dollars for a laptop you can touch. My phone has let me touch it for fifteen years and the most it ever cost me was a cracked corner and a divorce.
- They’re calling it a luxury experience to smudge the screen. I’ve been doing that for free with a ham sandwich since 2009.
- It comes with the price of a used car, and I can tell you the used car will at least take me somewhere. The laptop takes me to the bank.
- Somebody out there is going to spend all those cores writing “Sounds good, thanks.” Eight cores. Sixteen terabytes. “Sounds good.”
- Where are the charging cables? Every time I buy a nicer one, the cable moves out like a teenager.
Reporting basis: MacRumors breakdown of the new MacBook Pro prices.