They Don’t Care About You: Dems Want 11,000,100 Illegal Migrant Workers Because They Keep Wages Low!

The Ultimate Job Market Strategy: Flood It Like a Costco Free Sample Aisle

By: Brie Leaks, Senior Satire Correspondent, bohiney.com – Certified to be 127% Funnier than The Onion

“Help Wanted… But Not You”

American job seekers, rejoice! Your elected officials have discovered the perfect formula for economic prosperity: more competition for your job but without any of those pesky wage increases. Thanks to a well-coordinated effort by Democratic leaders, a whopping 470,100 illegal migrant workers will soon flood the market, making sure your paycheck stays as stagnant as a pond in July.

“We’re calling it ‘The Great Wage Freeze of 2025,’” chuckled one anonymous White House aide, who was later seen applying for a part-time gig at DoorDash.

“Job applications now ask for 10 years of experience, but pay like it’s 1975. You want me to work for ‘exposure’? Sure, as long as I can pay rent in Instagram likes.” — Trevor Noah

The Working-Class Shuffle: When Your Job Gets Outsourced… Locally!

Forget about losing jobs to China or Mexico—those were the good old days. Now, you can watch your wages plummet in real-time as job sites like Indeed get overrun faster than a Best Buy on Black Friday.

“I just got a notification,” said Mike Donnelly, a construction worker from Ohio. “Turns out, my job has been relocated—not overseas, but to a guy who got here last week in the back of a lettuce truck.”

Labor unions, once champions of fair wages, were reportedly torn. “We support the working class,” one labor leader admitted. “We just have to figure out which working class.”

“The job market is wild. They’ll ask if you can work weekends, overtime, and late nights, then offer you $13 an hour. I’m sorry, I thought you were hiring an employee, not adopting a stray.” — Jim Gaffigan

The Ultimate Corporate Hack: Endless Cheap Labor!

Big business couldn’t be happier. Why fight for automation when politicians will hand them an army of workers willing to do anything for the price of a Big Mac and a ride home in a Toyota Corolla?

“I was about to invest millions in AI to replace my workforce,” admitted retail CEO Darren Whitman. “But then Congress gave me a better idea: Just replace American workers with people who will work for the AI’s electricity bill.”

McDonald’s is already adapting. A leaked internal memo revealed plans to rebrand the $15 minimum wage to “$15 Total Payroll Per Shift.”

“Jobs Americans Won’t Do”—or Just Can’t Afford To

Politicians love the phrase “jobs Americans won’t do,” but what they really mean is “jobs Americans can’t afford to do because rent exists.”

Take Mandy Lopez, a single mom from Dallas who recently lost her gig at a warehouse. “They said my replacement will do the same job for half the pay. I asked how that was legal, and my manager said, ‘That’s the best part! It’s not!’”

Experts assure us this isn’t a problem. “Americans have become too soft,” said one Harvard economist who hasn’t left his office since 2011. “We used to work 16-hour days in factories. People should be grateful for the opportunity to fight over who gets to clean a gas station bathroom.”

The Plan to Fix Inflation: Just Pay You Less!

Forget about lowering gas prices or cutting grocery bills—why not just make sure you never earn enough to notice the difference?

“It’s brilliant,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen. “If we can flood the market with enough workers, wages will drop so much that people will stop complaining about high prices. They’ll be too busy foraging for dinner.”

Some economists are already rethinking their strategy. “I used to believe we could solve inflation by raising interest rates,” one admitted. “But now, I see the truth: Just make everyone so poor they can’t buy anything. It’s elegant, really.”

Welcome to the Future: The Great American Side Hustle

If you thought the gig economy was bad before, buckle up. Soon, every American will need three side jobs just to afford expired Lunchables.

“I already have a day job, a night job, and an early morning shift that pays in store credit,” said Jason Reynolds, an Uber driver from Phoenix. “But now that wages are dropping again, I might start a YouTube channel where I cry for donations.”

Indeed is already beta-testing a new job category: ‘Unpaid Labor with Exposure Pay.’

“We think it will be a hit,” said a recruiter. “You get experience—which, as we all know, is worth more than money.”

Politicians Love Cheap Labor… Just Not for Themselves

Of course, there’s one place where cheap labor won’t be making an appearance: Congress.

“We’re all about helping the economy,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, sipping a $9 oat milk latte. “But let’s be clear: I will not be tipping my barista.”

Sources confirmed that Washington interns will continue to be the only workers earning below minimum wage, because, as one Senator put it, “Some traditions are sacred.”

Final Thoughts: The Rich Get Richer, You Get a Roommate

In conclusion, while this policy may be catastrophic for you, your paycheck, and your family, it’s fantastic for lobbyists, corporations, and anyone who enjoys watching the working class suffer from the comfort of a ski lodge.

So what’s the real American dream in 2025?
Not losing your apartment before the AI overlords finish learning how to do your job too.

Disclaimer:

This article is satire. If you’re confused, don’t worry—so are half the politicians pushing this policy.

15 Humorous Observations on “Dems Want 470,100 Illegal Migrant Workers Because They Keep Wages Low”

• American workers are now competing in The Hunger Games: Employment Edition, where the grand prize is an entry-level job and a break room with stale coffee.
• The government’s new job creation plan isn’t about creating jobs at all—it’s about creating more workers so that no one can afford rent.
• Apparently, the American Dream now includes roommates—not because of friendship, but because a two-bedroom apartment requires five full-time incomes.
• Business owners love to say “no one wants to work anymore”—which is rich coming from people whose job is to pay other people to work so they don’t have to.
• The minimum wage is so low that if inflation rises any further, Chuck E. Cheese tokens will have more buying power.
• In a shocking twist, Washington politicians will still not be replacing their interns with low-cost labor—because that would mean actually paying them.
• The newest economic theory says if you just import enough low-wage workers, inflation disappears. That’s right, if you make everyone too broke to buy anything, prices will finally stabilize!
• Billionaires are against raising wages but have no problem dropping $50 million on a yacht—because apparently, the only thing that deserves to float is their boat.
• If your job can be stolen by someone who just crossed the border, maybe the real problem is that your company treats you like you just crossed the border too.
• Some say “migrants are taking all the jobs,” but honestly, if Jeff Bezos could replace you with a Roomba, he would.
• If corporate America were any more anti-worker, the next step would be turning job applications into Hunger Games auditions.
• Want to know how bad wages are? People now list “prison” as a career backup plan. Free meals? Free housing? Sign me up.
• America’s hiring crisis explained: You must have 5+ years of experience, a master’s degree, and a willingness to accept the same pay as a 17-year-old working at Arby’s.
• We don’t need more workers—we need fewer CEOs who think “livable wages” are an urban legend, like Bigfoot or a working subway system.
• Wages are so low now that waiters are making more off GoFundMe pages than actual tips.

10 Comedian One-Liners on Wages, Jobs, and Migrant Labor

• “You know wages are bad when even Monopoly money is adjusting for inflation faster than your paycheck.” — John Mulaney
• “The minimum wage hasn’t gone up in years, but rent has tripled. At this rate, the only affordable housing will be the ‘return policy’ at Costco.” — Bill Burr
• “America’s job market is basically Tinder—no one’s getting what they want, and everyone is lying about their qualifications.” — Ali Wong
• “A CEO once told me he couldn’t afford to pay workers more. So I said, ‘Bro, you own six mansions. Sell one and pretend you care.’” — Hannah Gadsby
• “I asked my boss for a raise. He laughed so hard I got a bonus in ‘good vibes’ and a motivational poster.” — Wanda Sykes
• “The best way to afford a home in 2025? Inherit it. The second-best way? Marry rich. The third-best way? Lie on your mortgage application.” — Kevin Hart
• “Ever notice how every time workers demand fair wages, CEOs start acting like they’re on life support? ‘If I pay my employees, I might only get 9 yachts this year instead of 10!’” — Sarah Silverman
• “A livable wage? That’s cute. Next, you’re going to tell me my landlord should accept Monopoly money because it’s ‘technically’ currency too.” — Dave Chappelle