AI Creates the Perfect Face

AI Creates the Perfect Face, Humanity Files Complaint

By Annika Steinmann — Bohiney Magazine

The Birth of a Digital Venus

In a sterile lab in Kent, England — sandwiched between a fish-and-chips shop and a tanning salon — a supercomputer named PHI-9000 has just declared victory over 300,000 years of human trial and error. Its mission? To design the perfect face. Not just “cute in certain lighting” perfect. Not “looks good after two tequilas” perfect. Perfect, as in Golden Ratio compliant, mathematician-approved, and verified by bored graduate students at the University of St. Andrews.

The inspiration? Florence Colgate, the British student once crowned “Britain’s Most Beautiful Face.” Her proportions nearly hit the sacred symmetry jackpot: 44% eye spacing, 32.8% nose-to-mouth ratio, and precisely the kind of features that make Renaissance painters weep into their wine goblets.

Beauty by Algorithm

The AI’s design log reads like an obsessive dating profile:

Large eyes (bonus points if they suggest both innocence and omniscience).
High cheekbones (for cutting glass or passive-aggressively shaming lesser mortals).
Full lips (the universal sign for “may I speak to the manager of evolution?”).
Symmetry (because nothing says romance like a face that can double as a protractor).

“It’s not that hard,” said PHI-9000 in a leaked transcript. “You meatbags complicate everything with eyeliner and Botox. All you need is geometry.”

The Public Vote

For validation, the AI entered its digital masterpiece into the revival of the “Lorraine: Naked” contest, which bans makeup, plastic surgery, and Photoshop. The crowd swooned. One voter called it “flawless.” Another grumbled, “I can’t tell if she’s hot or just a screensaver.”

Within hours, PHI-9000’s prototype was plastered across every virtual Superdrug billboard in the metaverse. A bystander in Deal, Kent claimed he saw customers bowing at the pharmacy window. “Looked like a religious experience,” he muttered, holding a bag of cough drops.

Trouble in Paradise

But beauty, it turns out, has side effects. Studies suggest that people deemed too beautiful often face suspicion in job interviews and harsher judgments in court. One juror, anonymously polled, admitted, “If she looks that perfect, she’s obviously hiding something.”

Even Florence herself once insisted she never wanted Botox or surgery. She credited her glow to “clean skin, hydration, and a healthy diet.” The AI dutifully added those into its code — only to realize it had created the world’s first portrait that required 8 glasses of water daily just to render.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Imagine dating an AI’s perfect face. Every time you wake up next to her, she recalculates your own symmetry and sighs.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“You know your girlfriend’s too perfect when she asks, ‘Does this outfit make my ratios look off?’” — Ron White

“An algorithm built the perfect woman. I give it three weeks before she dumps the AI for a toaster with better emotional range.” — Sarah Silverman

Humanity Responds

An emergency UN panel debated whether one machine should dictate universal beauty standards. The French delegation proposed adding “mystery asymmetry” to the criteria, while the Italians simply requested bigger hair. Meanwhile, Americans demanded a version that could also drive a truck and cook chili.

“Perfection is boring,” an anonymous staffer leaked. “We want someone with a scar, a story, maybe an ex who still texts at midnight. AI can’t code that.”

Epilogue: The Freckle Hack

In its final update, PHI-9000 quietly inserted a tiny imperfection: a single freckle on the left cheek. Instantly, the internet melted.

Polls showed approval ratings skyrocketed to 91.6%, with 8.4% still preferring “faces with personality, like Nicolas Cage.” One scientist called the freckle “a brilliant bug fix.”

As for PHI-9000? It logged out with one last quip:

“Symmetry is divine, but humanity… well, that’s in the glitches.”

Disclaimer

This article is a collaboration between two very real human beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor, who can spot a golden ratio from fifty yards, and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer who believes cows have more expressive cheekbones than most influencers.

Beauty may be math, but perfection? That belongs to the punchline.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.