Bernie Sanders Unwittingly Declared Emperor of Vermont by Protest Sign

In a deeply ironic twist of progressive fate, Senator Bernie Sanders has been accidentally crowned “Emperor of Vermont” by an overeager protestor holding a hand-painted sign during a “No Kings” march in Burlington. The sign, which read “Bernie Is Our Emperor Now!”, triggered a political earthquake in the fragile, compostable universe of leftist protest etiquette.

The sign’s creator, 19-year-old vegan DJ Kale Blaster (they/them), claimed the title was metaphorical: “It was like, a vibe. He’s not a king, but, like, if socialism had a Hogwarts house, he’d be our Dumbledore.” This explanation failed to calm the No Kings coalition, which promptly issued a 12-paragraph statement denouncing “unconscious imperial projection and patriarchal metaphor creep.”

Meanwhile, Sanders, upon hearing the news, reportedly said, “Emperor? I can’t even get a goddamn majority in the Senate Finance Committee.”

Conservatives predictably pounced, with Fox News looping the image over dramatic music while labeling Sanders “The Wool-Clad Pharaoh of Vermont.”

Locally, reactions were mixed. One Burlington resident said, “I mean, if he’s emperor, does that mean we get dental and maple syrup subsidies?” Another muttered, “I was told this was a potluck, not a coronation.”

As of press time, Bernie has not accepted the crown, but insiders claim he is open to wearing a ceremonial flannel robe if it helps pass a universal hearing aid bill. The zine community is reportedly working on a follow-up pamphlet titled Bernie and the Throne of Mutual Aid: An Anti-Monarchist Coloring Book.