ORIGINAL ISSUE – Bohiney Magazine from February 22, 1947
BRITAIN TO GIVE INDIA BACK, REALIZES COLONIALISM “A BIT MUCH” AFTER TEA BILL SKYROCKETS
The Empire on Which the Sun Never Set Suddenly Realizes It Forgot to Ask India What Time It Was
London, February 21, 1947 — In an unexpected fit of generosity—or what experts are calling “an imperial panic attack brought on by spicy food and post-war gout”—His Majesty’s Government has declared that it will hand India back to the Indians, effective next year, or whenever the paperwork clears, whichever is more convenient for Whitehall’s tea schedule.
Prime Minister Clement Attlee, sporting his usual expression of resigned defeat and ironic detachment, appeared before Parliament yesterday and uttered the now-immortal phrase:
“You know what, lads? Maybe this whole colonialism thing was a bit much.”
BREAKING: Gandhi Allegedly Seen Polishing Cricket Bat “Just in Case”
India’s independence movement, previously classified by British officials as “an inconvenient hobby,” has now been upgraded to “something we probably should’ve taken seriously in 1919.” Asked why Britain is suddenly eager to depart, one top diplomat, clutching a hastily packed steamer trunk, muttered, “Frankly, the natives have gotten very good at nonviolence. It’s terrifying.”
Eyewitnesses report Mahatma Gandhi gave a rare wink, cracked a single pistachio with his bare fingers, and said, “You cannot oppress what you cannot catch. Now excuse me, I have a salt mine to nationalize.”
House of Lords Uncomfortable, Wonders Aloud, “What If All the Other Colonies Get Ideas?”
Following the announcement, a hush fell over colonial governors from Burma to the Bahamas, who immediately canceled all holiday reservations and began Googling the word “repatriation” (or at least the 1947 version—sending telegrams to Oxford for a definition).
In a leaked memo from the Viceroy’s office, one civil servant wrote:
“Dear Mother: I’ve just been told I’m out of a job. I’ve taken to drinking coconut water and questioning my accent. God help us if Australia learns about this.”
Royal Family Shocked, Still Believes India Was a Gift Shop
When told that the Crown would no longer own India, one royal aide reportedly gasped, “But where will we get the elephants for weddings? The silk for curtains? The curry for our Sundays?”
Her Majesty was unavailable for comment, but her corgis issued a collective sigh.
Winston Churchill Furious, Threatens to Come Back from Retirement and Possibly Time Travel
Former Prime Minister Churchill, reacting from his subterranean Scotch bunker, declared this “the greatest betrayal since America decided it wanted to be a democracy,” and offered to singlehandedly re-annex India using nothing but a cigar and a scowl. He was last seen lecturing a globe.
British Citizens Take to the Streets to Ask, “Wait, We Still Had India?”
In London’s East End, several residents appeared confused. One man, Percy Bunting, said:
“I thought we already gave India back years ago. What’ve they been doing all this time, pretending?”
Others were simply thrilled. A Cockney fruit-seller exclaimed, “More spices for everyone! Let’s get the chutney trucks rolling, love!”
Parliament Forms “Commonwealth Exit Strategy” Committee, Immediately Gets Lost in Its Own Filing Cabinet
Analysts believe that the exit plan will involve at least 8,000 forms, 23 symbolic handshakes, and a spirited cricket match where the winner gets Calcutta.
Disclaimer: This article was dictated telepathically through a fog of post-colonial guilt and digestive regret by the ghost of Queen Victoria and a curry-fueled spiritualist. Any resemblance to diplomatic competence is purely accidental.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Oh, Britain’s giving India back? What’s next? Letting Americans run their own tea parties?” — Groucho Marx
“Britain’s empire is like my violin playing — it just keeps going long after it should have stopped.” — Jack Benny
“I once told a man from London to let go of things. He let go of his wife, his job, and finally, India.” — W.C. Fields
Originally posted 2000-02-02 14:01:54.