Unsolicited Wellness Advice
“He Meant Well. Now My Carpet Bleeds Beets and My Soul Smells Like Spirulina.”
After overhearing a colleague sobbing post-breakup, office health nut Brayden Flowers responded not with empathy–but with a mason jar of lukewarm beet juice and a five-page pamphlet titled *Love Hurts, But Beets Heal.*
“He said it balances emotional inflammation,” said the victim, who remains beet-stained and skeptical.
Brayden has made it his mission to fix emotions with vegetables, handing out unsolicited juice blends with names like “Kale Me Softly” and “Celery for the Soul.”
Staffers have since hidden their tears and taped signs to their cubicles reading “No unsolicited root advice.”
Despite the backlash, Brayden is undeterred. He’s begun leading “gut grief cleanses” in the breakroom using fermented empathy shots and Bach flower remixes.
HR has issued a soft ban on “emotional juicing,” though Brayden insists the real toxins are administrative attitudes.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
