Drag Queen Pastor Declares Gospel is Glitter-Based—Gets Struck by Lightning in Hobby Lobby Parking Lot
JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI — In an incident both hailed as divine justice and heavily TikTok’d for its theatricality, a self-declared “drag pastor” named Shiny Saint Stephanie was struck by lightning Monday afternoon in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby. The bolt appeared mere seconds after she proclaimed on a bullhorn that “the Gospel of Jesus Christ is fabulous, fierce, and fundamentally glitter-based.”
Eyewitnesses describe the scene as “Old Testament meets RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
“I had just bought a King James Study Bible and a pack of felt stickers,” said 43-year-old shopper Brenda Goggins. “Then I hear this man—or woman, or whatever—yelling that Jesus turned water into rosé and wore platform sandals. Next thing you know—BOOM! God aimed and fired like it was a divine episode of Duck Dynasty.”
Security footage, later sold to a Christian YouTube channel for $12.99, shows Shiny Saint Stephanie dressed in a sequin clergy robe and six-inch heels, quoting the Sermon on the Mount while tossing biodegradable confetti over Hobby Lobby’s seasonal sale aisle. That was when, as one local deacon described, “the sky parted like the Red Sea at a pride parade.”
Emergency crews responded quickly but noted the lightning strike caused only superficial burns and “dramatic eyeliner evaporation.”
While recovering at the local hospital, the drag pastor insisted the lightning strike was “a fabulous blessing,” claiming that it had transformed her sermon into “performance art approved by God Herself.” She was later wheeled off by nurses humming “Born This Way.”
But local clergy were less amused.
“God doesn’t do glitter,” said Pastor Vance T. Killgore of Old Rugged Cross Baptist Church. “He does wrath. He does judgment. And apparently, He does parking lot smitings now.”
Rev. Killgore’s church held a candlelight vigil outside the Hobby Lobby entrance that evening, during which he encouraged attendees to remain vigilant against “drag demons, rainbow witchcraft, and any polyester clergy robes over 50% sparkle.”
Hobby Lobby released an official statement the next day:
“While we do not condone public incantations of rainbow theology in proximity to our discount manger scenes, we are thankful to God that the lightning bolt did not ignite our artificial garland section.”
Theologians are split on the theological implications of the strike.
“It’s hard to argue with lightning,” said Dr. Miriam Caldwell of Christ First Seminary. “In biblical terms, this ranks somewhere between Saul’s conversion and Lot’s wife having a salty moment.”
The incident has since gone viral under the hashtag #SmitingIsReal, with conservative influencers calling it “proof of divine Wi-Fi” and liberal commenters comparing it to “gay Moses failing to part the polyester sea.”
Despite the backlash, Shiny Saint Stephanie has vowed to continue preaching “the glitter gospel” and has scheduled her next sermon outside Chick-fil-A.
She will be wearing rubber heels. Just in case.