Refused to Show Proof of Kale Literacy
PORTLAND, OR — Mahatma Gandhi was escorted out of the Hawthorne Boulevard Farmer’s Market on Sunday after failing to provide “proof of kale literacy,” a new requirement instituted by the Progressive Vendor Alliance (PVA) to prevent what they call “leafy green appropriation.”
Eyewitnesses say Gandhi paused near a stall selling artisanal kale bouquets, stared intently at a chalkboard menu listing 17 heirloom varieties, then whispered, “All plants are sacred.” Market security, dressed in hemp uniforms, considered the comment vague and possibly subversive.
“He didn’t even identify the difference between Red Russian and Tuscan Lacinato,” said market volunteer Jupiter Moss. “We can’t have uninformed spiritual icons loitering among our produce.”
One kombucha vendor attempted to defend Gandhi, noting he had earlier complimented a basket of turnips with “soulful gravitas.” But enforcement protocols had already been triggered. Officials presented Gandhi with a laminated kale quiz and a small cup of cashew drizzle as a peace offering. He declined both, citing “moral starch neutrality.”
Instagram went wild. “Gandhi canceled for vegetable ignorance,” read one post. “If your vibe doesn’t match your vinaigrette, stay home,” warned another.
Gandhi was last seen walking serenely toward a nearby dumpster garden, reportedly muttering, “Labels are the cages of leaves.” The market board has since voted to introduce a tiered “Enlightenment Pass,” requiring all spiritual figures to pass a seasonal squash identification test before entry.
Vendors are also considering requiring “plant-based pronoun usage” training for all customers by spring.
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