Italian Gondoliers Union Files Complaint Over Jetpack Interference
The Italian Gondoliers Union—Gondolieri per Sempre—has filed an official grievance with the Venice Tourism Bureau, citing excessive “jetpack disruption” at the Bezos wedding.
According to the complaint, multiple guests arrived and departed via Bezos-approved jetpacks, sending gondolas spinning like mozzarella in a washing machine. Several elderly gondoliers reportedly suffered “aesthetic dizziness.”
Union leader Lorenzo DiMustachio declared:
“Gondola traffic is sacred. These rocket backpacks violated the sacred hush of our romantic canals. Venice is not the Fast & the Furious.”
Bezos, ever the innovator, allegedly gifted his groomsmen carbon-neutral exosuits with optional espresso ports. Local law enforcement was called after one wedding guest crash-landed in a honeymoon gondola occupied by two confused Swedes and a harpist.
Tourists have since started wearing helmets near canal bridges after a bridesmaid knocked over a gelato cart during liftoff.
The incident has now become a legislative issue in Italy’s parliament, under the proposed “No Thrust Before Tiramisu” Act.
Bezos responded by suggesting he “sponsor the entire gondolier pension fund in Dogecoin.”