Mall Santas on Strike
Clause for Concern
After decades of beard tugs, sticky lap encounters, and kids confessing crimes, mall Santas across the nation have walked off the job, chanting “No more ho-ho-hell!” outside Macy’s.
The Demands
They want hazard pay for glitter exposure, daily beard sanitization, and cookies not made by toddlers with sticky intentions.
Management Response
Malls attempted to replace them with inflatable snowmen and chatbots named “HoBot3000.” Children wept. So did parents.
Union Leadership
Spokes-Santa “Big Nick” declared, “Until we get fairness, the only thing we’ll be giving is attitude.”
Conclusion
Negotiations continue. One elf crossed the picket line and was pelted with marshmallows. Christmas is complicated now.