Norwegian Nobel Committee Considers Hiring Bouncers for Donald’s Visit
“We’ll Need Someone Who Can Handle a Tantrum in a Tuxedo,” Says Oslo Security Chief
By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Special to Bohiney.com | October 9, 2025
OSLO, NORWAY — The Norwegian Nobel Committee is reportedly considering hiring nightclub-style bouncers ahead of former U.S. President Donald J. Trump’s expected arrival — or invasion — depending on how the committee’s decision goes this week.
Officials say the move is “purely precautionary,” though locals admit they’ve seen enough viral footage of overturned dinner tables at Mar-a-Lago brunches to start reinforcing the doors.
“We don’t expect violence,” said Oslo police spokesman Torbjørn Skjelstad, “but we do expect volume.”
When the Peace Prize Becomes a Security Threat
Norway has braced for Viking raids, polar bears, and IKEA furniture assembly — but none of that prepared them for a Trump tantrum on foreign soil.
As one Oslo bartender put it, “The last time we saw that much ego under one roof, we were hosting the Eurovision afterparty.”
In anticipation, the committee has reportedly booked three extra guards, two therapists, and one “spiritual exorcist fluent in Queens English and denial.”
A leaked internal memo, obtained by The Bohiney, warns that “any mention of Barack Obama, Greta Thunberg, or dictionaries” may trigger a Category-5 verbal storm.
Bouncer Qualifications Include Emotional Intelligence, Bench Pressing, and Fox News Immunity
Security recruiters have posted job listings calling for “emotionally resilient professionals capable of de-escalating conflict while being insulted in all-caps.”
“We’re not hiring muscle,” explained security contractor Signe Mørstad. “We’re hiring patience with biceps. Preferably someone who can absorb both an elbow and a Truth Social post.”
Candidates will also be tested on:
- Ability to resist gaslighting.
- Competence in saying, ‘Yes, sir, you’re very peaceful,’ without laughing.
- Experience working with toddlers, billionaires, or Floridians.
Trump Threatens to Create His Own ‘Noble’ Peace Prize
In an early-morning post on Truth Social titled “Norway Will Pay,” Trump promised to “establish a far superior, more beautiful, more truthful Nobel Prize — spelled correctly, by the way, with a B, not a V.”
He added: “Mine will be called the Noble Peace Prize, for people who are truly Noble — like me, Melania (when she’s nice), and Kid Rock.”
A quick online poll by Scandinavia Today found that 84% of Norwegians believe Trump already thinks he won the prize in 2019, and 12% suspect he’s planning to repossess the fjords as “back pay.”
Norwegians Practice Defensive Politeness
Citizens have been warned to avoid direct confrontation by maintaining “Nordic neutrality” — a national strategy that involves nodding politely while walking away quickly.
“I’m not scared,” said retiree Ingrid Blom. “But I did hide my peace doves. He might try to brand them.”
A local bakery has even renamed its “Peace Rolls” to “Stability Buns” just in case Trump accuses them of collusion with NATO.
Experts Fear the Arrival of the American Media Circus
Experts predict that if Trump loses, the press conference aftermath will make Chernobyl look like a candlelight dinner.
CNN analysts are already debating whether he’ll:
- Demand a recount,
- Declare himself “interim Nobel laureate,” or
- Claim that the real Nobel Prize “was rigged by the deep Swede.”
Fox News, meanwhile, is preparing a two-hour documentary titled “The Norwegian Nightmare: How the Left Stole Peace.”
Locals Offer Emotional Support… and Earplugs
Oslo wellness shops have reported a run on lavender oil, meditation mats, and noise-canceling headphones.
“We survived ABBA,” said store owner Maja Østergård. “We can survive this.”
To boost morale, the Norwegian Ministry of Humor will distribute free “Make Norway Boring Again” caps.
Historians Weigh In
Professor Oddvar Lundgren, a Nobel historian and part-time Viking reenactor, told reporters that Trump’s reaction could “redefine the meaning of peace.”
“Usually, when you don’t win the Peace Prize, you send a nice letter,” Lundgren said. “Trump sends sanctions, or possibly a golf ball.”
He added, “If Alfred Nobel were alive, he’d hide under a dynamite crate.”
Social Scientists Measure ‘Peace Entitlement Disorder’
A study from the University of Bergen’s Department of Political Psychology defines “Peace Entitlement Disorder” as the belief that one deserves the Nobel Prize because one briefly stopped yelling.
Symptoms include:
- Complaining about global conspiracies at breakfast,
- Calling yourself “the most peaceful person in the room,” and
- Threatening to sue Norway.
According to data, 1 in 3 American politicians show signs of the disorder, though 100% of them deny it.
Oslo Hotels Offer Special ‘Nobel Survival Packages’
Several hotels now offer “Trump-proof” suites featuring blackout curtains, complimentary anxiety tea, and escape routes disguised as saunas.
Guests can opt for the “Covfefe Continental Breakfast” or “Executive Reality Denial Package” — which comes with a framed diploma reading, “You’re the Real Winner.”
Norway’s Backup Plan — Just Give Him Something Shiny
If diplomacy fails, insiders say the committee might hand Trump a “Special Certificate of Peaceful Participation,” complete with gold trim and a photo of himself shaking hands with his mirror.
“It’s not deception,” said one committee member. “It’s survival.”
The Calm Before the Tantrum
For now, Norway stands tall — stoic, snowy, and slightly terrified — waiting to see if the world’s loudest man will try to trademark “Peace.”
As one Oslo café owner sighed, “At least when Putin lost, he didn’t ask for a recount.”
Disclaimer: This story is an entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer — united in their mission to bring truth, peace, and lactose to satire. No AI was harmed or credited in the making of this piece.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.