Charlotte Wants Points on the Back End

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Scientology’s reported interest in the British royal family has stalled at the negotiating table, where Prince George is asking for a planet and Princess Charlotte is asking to see the books. Neither child has agreed to anything. Both have asked for it in writing.

The talk began after Tom Cruise handed out another round of public praise to William and Catherine. A StyleCaster report from 28 October calls the actor’s friendship with the Prince and Princess of Wales a touchy subject in royal circles and relies on unnamed sources. It covers adults. It does not say any child has been approached, and that hasn’t slowed anyone down. American cable news can turn a handshake into a constitutional event before the first commercial break.

This country went to war with this exact family and put the grievances in the Declaration of Independence, so a Hollywood church courting the next three kings seemed worth a second look. The children, as it turns out, had already found representation. They found it in the mirror.

Prince George Asks Scientology for Mars, a Hangar and a Better Rate

George said he was open to spiritual growth but wanted to see the real estate first. He asked for Mars. He was told Scientology’s teachings concern the soul, not the solar system, and he asked whether the soul came with a hangar.

Brent Halloran, a publicist who has worked for three studios and one documentary crew, called the request reasonable. “The kid’s already asking about square footage,” Halloran said. “I’ve got clients who don’t ask that until their third divorce.” George’s list of terms ran from Mars to a hangar for one fighter jet, a motorcycle jump off a cliff performed by Mr Cruise personally, and a weekly allowance in a currency that does not yet exist. When told spiritual progress is not a real estate deal, he asked who his agent should call.

Princess Charlotte Becomes Her Own Agent

Charlotte opened by asking for the organizational chart, the operating budget and a list of every person required to take her calls. She asked what the job paid, then asked what the job was. Told that Scientology has no princess, she called it a hole in the product and offered two fixes: create a princess slot with final cut on every pamphlet, or watch her launch a rival religion at a lower price.

Mr Cruise was offered the title of Executive Vice President of Running Fast Through Hallways. Halloran called it “a lateral move.” Charlotte then asked for points on the back end. Nobody at Scientology could say which back end she meant, but they offered her a seat at the table, and she took the table.

Scientology Auditing Meets Two Kids Who Cross-Examine Adults for Fun

Scientology describes auditing as spiritual counseling that can involve a device called an E-meter. According to the Church of Scientology’s own explanation, the instrument is used in religious auditing and is not meant for medical diagnosis.

George asked whether it could say if he would be king. It cannot. Charlotte pointed it at a dispute over the last cookie, which the household calls a biscuit, and at a seating chart nobody had asked her to review. The device produced no verdict. Charlotte produced one within the hour, and the machine had no part in it.

Church of England vs. the Church of Cruise

King Charles III is Supreme Governor of the Church of England, a role described on the Royal Family’s official website, and William is in line to inherit it. The United States separated church and state in 1791. The British kept them under one roof and put a crown on the roof.

Scientology brings Tom Cruise. The Church of England brings a parish church in nearly every English village and a lot of very good hymns. In Hollywood terms, that is a catalog title against a tentpole. The office of the Archbishop of Canterbury is understood to welcome competition, then to have asked competition for what.

Tom Cruise Walks Into the Toughest Room of His Career

Hollywood measures importance by box office. The Palace measures it by who stands up. Mr Cruise has hung off aircraft for a living and survived a career’s worth of stunts that insurers file under hostile acts. George isn’t impressed because his grandfather’s face is on the money. Charlotte is less impressed because she can clear a room of adults with one raised eyebrow.

Dana Kessler of Kessler Media Analytics, who compiles a ranking of royal draw for entertainment clients, scores Cruise 94 for box office and George 91 for succession. Charlotte scores 120 for making an adult apologize without being asked. Kessler said the scale was built for studios and had never been asked to go past 100.

Past Lives, Extra Credit and the Thetan Question

In Scientology’s teaching, the thetan is an immortal spiritual being that lives on across lifetimes. George wondered whether a previous life could count as extra credit. Charlotte asked which previous life he had in mind, since none appears in his school record. He said the old him had handled the homework. She asked for the paperwork.

King Charles Checks His Calendar and Calls His Lawyers

Charles cannot tell a church to stop recruiting, which would sound intolerant, and he cannot tell his grandson to sign up, which would complicate a coronation. Palace aides circulated a note asking staff to stay calm and to keep Mars and Jupiter out of all official correspondence. Catherine is reported to have settled the matter at 7:30 p.m. by announcing bedtime.

Charlotte’s final position was that she would join Scientology if Scientology merged into the monarchy and named her chair. George’s final position was Mars. Mr Cruise left by the front door and ran to the car. Halloran called it the best pitch meeting he had seen all year, and noted that the two best negotiators in the room were under fourteen.

10 Humorous Observations on Scientology and the Royal Kids

1. Prince George asked for Mars. Most kids ask for a bike. Then he asked if the bike came with a full-time mechanic.
2. We fought a whole war to get rid of a king, and now a Hollywood church wants his grandkids. We could have just asked for a better agent.
3. Charlotte asked what the job paid, and then what the job was. That’s the most honest job interview in the history of employment.
4. Tom Cruise got offered Executive Vice President of Running Fast Through Hallways. In Hollywood that’s called a lateral move and nobody turns it down.
5. The E-meter can’t tell you if you’ll be king, but a twelve-year-old with a clipboard can tell you who ate the cookie. Technology, folks.
6. She wants points on the back end. Nobody knows which back end. Nobody’s brave enough to ask.
7. George wants to know if he did his homework in a past life. Look, that’s a kid with a plan. Blame the old guy.
8. Charlotte billed Scientology $5,410. I’ve been trying to get my cable company to refund me forty bucks since March.
9. The Church of England has a parish in every village. Scientology has Tom Cruise. One of them can outrun the other, and it isn’t the one with the hymns.
10. Catherine ended the whole thing by saying “bedtime.” Forget diplomats. Every international crisis would be over by 7:30.

Written by two human beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither owns a planet.