Calls for Investigation Into Emotional Accountability Industrial Complex
Trump Claims “Apology” Is a Deep State Hoax Invented by NPR and Gluten-Free Lobby
Calls for Investigation Into Emotional Accountability Industrial Complex
PALM BEACH, FL — In a press conference held on the 18th green of Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump declared that the concept of “apology” is not only fake, but part of a long-running Deep State hoax orchestrated by NPR, the gluten-free lobby, and “certain soy-based candle manufacturers.”
“Apologies are fake news for feelings,” Trump shouted while flanked by cardboard cutouts of George Washington and a bald eagle named Freedom Jr. “No real man ever says sorry unless it’s to get out of a prenup.”
Trump proposed launching the “House Subcommittee on Emotional Fraud,” chaired by Kid Rock and Dr. Phil, to investigate “Big Feelings” and their financial ties to Whole Foods.
He also called for schools to replace “I’m sorry” with “That’s your problem.”
In related news, the CDC has issued a mental health advisory titled “Too Much Confidence Can Be Contagious,” warning of a nationwide outbreak of unchecked self-assurance among men named Ron and Chad.
When asked whether his statement might hurt the feelings of some Americans, Trump replied, “Good. That means it’s working.”
White House historians have begun quietly etching “Never Apologize” into Mount Rushmore with a leaf blower and a Sharpie.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
