Smells Like Leather, Ego, and Executive Orders
Trump Declares Himself “National Role Model of Unapologetic Masculinity,” Launches Cologne Called “Regretless’
Smells Like Leather, Ego, and Executive Orders
NEW YORK, NY — In his latest entrepreneurial venture, Donald Trump has crowned himself America’s “National Role Model of Unapologetic Masculinity,” unveiling a cologne for the confident, the bold, and the completely shameless. The fragrance is called *Regretless* and comes in a bottle shaped like a flexing bicep with cufflinks.
“I wanted a scent that screams “I never back down,’ but also whispers “I once owned a casino on a boat,'” Trump explained during the launch party, held in a former steakhouse converted into a monument to dominance.
The top notes are executive leather, podium oak, and unverified bravado. Mid-notes include Russian cologne samples and tax-deductible testosterone. The base settles into a lingering whiff of constitutional ambiguity.
Melania was reportedly gifted the first bottle and immediately used it to disinfect countertops.
Commercials feature Trump walking through wind machines, breaking golf clubs over his knee, and shouting, “I regret nothing, including this ad!”
The cologne’s slogan: “Because sometimes strength smells like confusion and success.”
Each bottle includes a QR code linking to a speech titled *Alpha Without Apology* and comes wrapped in a tie signed by Trump himself.
“Regretless,” he said, “is what Mount Rushmore would wear if it were running for president.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
