Meals Include Confidence Shakes and Deep-Fried Vindication Nuggets
Trump Reveals “No Apology Diet,” Claims Regret Causes Weight Gain and Weak Chin Energy
Meals Include Confidence Shakes and Deep-Fried Vindication Nuggets
PALM BEACH, FL — In a revolutionary breakthrough destined to be ignored by the FDA, Donald Trump has unveiled his new health regime: the *No Apology Diet*. Designed for winners only, the plan eliminates regret, guilt, and fiber in favor of calorie-dense confidence and fried validation.
“Apologies bloat the soul–and the face,” Trump said while sipping a *Mega Swagger Smoothie*, rumored to be blended with crushed approval ratings and a hint of Diet Coke.
The diet consists of three unapologetic meals a day: morning *Ego Toast*, an afternoon *Truth Burger (No Bun, All Assertion)*, and dinner featuring *Vindication Nuggets* served with a side of *Excuse-Free Fries*.
Melania declined to comment, though her salad sighed audibly during the photo op.
Scientific basis? “We’ve got testimonials from billionaires, patriots, and several guys named Randy,” Trump insisted. “It’s all the proof I need.”
The accompanying workout program, *Flex for Freedom*, involves yelling at mirrors, tearing up subpoenas, and lifting fake weights labeled “Burden of Proof.”
“Look at me,” Trump boomed. “Not only am I lighter, but my neck moves like it’s never held accountability!”
FDA response pending. Trump’s already ordered them a family-sized portion of *Mind Your Business*.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
