G7 Leaders Rattled as Canada Hit With 80% Contrition Tax
Trump Unveils “Apology Tariffs” on Countries That Say Sorry Too Much
G7 Leaders Rattled as Canada Hit With 80% Contrition Tax
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking twist on global economics, Donald Trump has announced a new line of economic sanctions: “Apology Tariffs,” targeting countries that apologize “too often, too weakly, and way too publicly.”
“If your nation keeps saying sorry, you clearly owe us something,” Trump declared. “You’re paying in humility, and we want interest — in cash.”
Canada was hit hardest with an immediate 80% tariff on maple syrup, hockey sticks, and national guilt. “They say sorry when you bump into them,” Trump said. “That’s weakness. And weakness is taxable.”
Germany’s foreign office tried to negotiate, offering historic repentance discounts, but Trump replied, “That’s retroactive weakness. Double tax.”
France attempted to protest the tariffs, but their apology came too early in the meeting and was deemed “a sign of surrender.”
Economists are bewildered. “This defies all logic,” said Dr. Helen Numbers of MIT. “Then again, so did his tax code, and look where we are.”
Supporters erupted in chants of “Pay Up, Polite People!” while holding signs shaped like invoices stamped “AMERICA FIRST.”
When asked if the U.S. would ever pay an apology tariff, Trump scoffed, “We haven’t apologized since Andrew Jackson. And that’s how we like it.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
