Beatitudes Replaced with “Big-Leagitudes” Like “Blessed Are the Brash”
Trump’s New Bible Translation Omits the Word “Forgive,” Adds Book of Winning and Epistles to the Unapologetic
Beatitudes Replaced with “Big-Leagitudes” Like “Blessed Are the Brash”
JERUSALEM, TX (not a typo) — In a move that shocked theologians and delighted merchandisers, Donald Trump has released a bold new translation of the Bible: *The Trump Testament*, a divine rewrite that removes all mentions of “forgiveness,” “repentance,” and “turning the other cheek” — replacing them with tales of smiting enemies with bold confidence and stylish suits.
“The old Bible had a lot of great moments,” Trump said at the launch, held outside a Bass Pro Shop megachurch. “But honestly, it needed more winning, less weeping.”
The new Gospel includes the *Book of Bravery*, *Epistles to the Unapologetic*, and *The Revelations of Polling Data*. The Ten Commandments are now The Ten Suggestions for Dominance.
The Sermon on the Mount is rebranded “The Deal on the Hill,” and instead of “Blessed are the meek,” it reads: “Blessed are the brash, for they shall own beachfront property.”
Melania is listed in the genealogical notes as “Mysterious But Supportive.”
Communion wafers are replaced with gold-foil Trump steaks, and the wine is now Diet Coke served in chalices labeled “Covenant of Carbonation.”
“I didn’t write it,” Trump added. “But I definitely improved it.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
