TSA Sets Up Celestial Checkpoint for Asteroids Without Papers

By Interplanetary Security Bureau Chief, Bohiney Magazine

“If you want to enter Earth’s atmosphere, you better have papers, a purpose, and absolutely no liquids exceeding 3 ounces of molten iron.”
— TSA Director Karen Biggs, now floating aboard TSA-Orbit Terminal 1

From Airports to Outer Space: TSA Launches First Celestial Checkpoint

In a move critics are calling “inevitable but cosmically unnecessary,” the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has officially established a celestial checkpoint just outside Earth’s thermosphere—tasked with screening all incoming asteroids, comets, and unidentified floating objects.

Located in the debris belt between low Earth orbit and Elon Musk’s spare Teslas, TSA-Orbit Terminal 1 (TSA-OT1) includes:

• One reinforced metal detector

• An emotional support beagle named Blip

• Six retired agents from LaGuardia with clipboards and nothing to lose

Why Now?

Following the recent near-pass of asteroid “ZEUS-9000” and growing concerns that interstellar travelers might “bring sketchy minerals or cultural viruses,” Homeland Security authorized a Zero Tolerance Rock Entry Policy (ZTREP).

Says TSA Chief of Asteroid Enforcement, Craig “Chaz” Tubbins:

“They come here fast, silent, no documentation. No passport. No boarding pass. What are they hiding? We’re just asking questions.”

What Are Agents Looking For?

Each asteroid is subject to a 17-point inspection protocol, which includes:

• Origin Verification (must show proof of system of origin)

• Radiation Background Check

• Core Temperature Screening

• Declaration of Purpose: Mining, Mood Lighting, or Menace?

• Illegal Petroglyph Possession

• Intent to Stay Beyond Orbit (Visa Required)

All objects must also remove belts, boot jets, and atmospheric dust before scan.

Sample Dialogue from the Checkpoint

TSA Agent: “Sir, do you understand why you were pulled aside?”
Asteroid: [Emits a low, ancient hum]
TSA Agent: “That’s not an answer. Step over here. Sir, I said NO THRUSTING WHILE BEING SCANNED.”

Illegal Entry Penalties

Objects attempting reentry without proper documentation may face:

• Immediate Orbital Rejection

• Patriotic Vaporization using Freedom Lasers

• Being Redirected to Jupiter, Earth’s official planetary waiting room

• Forced enrollment in a 6-week Space Civics Course led by Neil deGrasse Tyson

Critics Slam the Program as Xenophobic and Pointless

Harvard astrophysicist Dr. Lydia Frax says:

“It’s literal rocks. Some of them don’t even know they exist. TSA is trying to racially profile debris.”

The ACLU issued a joint statement with the Planetary Defense League:

“We don’t condone discriminating against any celestial body based on trajectory, density, or vibe.”

Elon Musk Attempts to Privatize It

Elon offered to buy TSA-OT1 and replace all agents with Neuralink-activated Roombas.

He tweeted:

“If an asteroid wants to immigrate, let it buy a Tesla first. Also, TSA uniforms are cringe.”

The tweet was immediately converted into an NFT worth $1.2 million.

Celebrities Get Involved (Because Of Course They Do)

Miley Cyrus released a single titled “Checkpoint of the Heart (Feat. Comet Lilith)”

Tom Cruise volunteered to physically intercept incoming asteroids using a jetpack and bare charisma.

Kanye West declared that the checkpoint was “a metaphor for Earth’s spiritual constipation.”

Kamala Harris Holds Briefing on Galactic Border Security

“We must ask—what is a border? What is a rock? And when a rock flies… is it flying toward us… or away from something else?”

She then blessed TSA-OT1 with a meditation on inclusion and handed out friendship bracelets labeled “VIBE CLEAR.”

The Asteroids Respond

Asteroid #947-Althea transmitted a message:

“We don’t even want to land. We just wanted to pass by, listen to your radio, and maybe absorb a little irony. Now we’re being frisked for having too many rings.”

Another asteroid submitted a formal complaint about being called “rocky” on its TSA report, which it found “textureist.”

TSA Staff Struggle with Cosmic Training

Internal memos reveal staff confusion:

• “Do asteroids have pockets?”

• “Can we pat down a plasma field?”

• “What do I do if one just cries gravitational tears?”

Agent Dolores from Milwaukee wrote:

“Yesterday, I asked an asteroid to take off its shoes. It doesn’t have shoes. It just hovered. Judging me.”

Satellite Leaks Reveal “No Fly” List of Suspicious Space Debris

Leaked documents list over 1,300 banned objects, including:

• Comet 66P, for “frequent flaring and poor attitude”

• Asteroid “Bert,” who once orbited Uranus without consent

• Unidentified Object #ZZ-42, who responded “QAnon” under Reason for Visit

Earth’s Bureaucracy Expands to Include Space DMV

Celestial travelers must now:

• Register their orbit

• Declare fuel type (emotional propulsion not yet accepted)

• Obtain a Universal Object Number (UON) for tracking

• Take an 8-hour online course on “Earth Etiquette: Don’t Be Weird”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Earth’s first line of defense against aliens is a woman named Carol asking a comet to remove its belt. That’s the plan?”
— Ron White

“Rocks from space now need TSA PreCheck. We’re one clipboard away from planetary depression.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Just wait till they lose an asteroid’s luggage.”
— Ali Wong

“I love that we’re suspicious of things that can vaporize us in a blink. Let’s search ‘em for shampoo.”
— Trevor Noah

“I got detained at LAX for carrying cheese. Imagine what TSA does to Saturn’s rings.”
— Bill Burr

Earth Now Requires Emotional Support Crystals at Checkpoint

All TSA-OT1 agents must carry one of the following:

• Rose quartz (for loving rocks)

• Obsidian (for shielding from hot vibes)

• Moldavite (for merging with astral identities)

Passengers without crystals may be redirected to the Healing Line, which includes drum circles and one unpaid TikTok therapist.

UN Declares “Planetary Paperwork Week”

To celebrate the new checkpoint, Earth is hosting its first Planetary Paperwork Week, featuring:

• Panels like “Do Asteroids Deserve Privacy?”

• “Orbiting While Brown: A Moon’s Perspective”

• Workshops on “Filling Out Forms Without Hands”

Merch includes tote bags that read: “I Got Pat-Down by TSA in the Thermosphere and All I Got Was This Lousy Crater.”

Conclusion: The Universe is Watching—and Laughing

As Earth struggles to impose terrestrial bureaucracy on infinite space, the galaxy chuckles. While other planets orbit in peace, we are detaining cosmic boulders for failing to declare liquids and forgetting to remove metaphorical belts.

And somewhere, a space rock cries because a TSA agent asked, “Are you bringing anything into our planet that might explode?”

IMAGE GALLERY

Interstellar Object