Bohiney Magazine

Volume 1, Issue 18 – Saturday, June 14, 1947

“America’s Trusted Source for Satirical Truth”

Federal Bureaucracy Expands Again While Promising Efficiency This Time Will Be Different

WASHINGTON, DC – Congress approved funding this week for seventeen new federal agencies and departments, each promising to streamline government operations while adding layers of bureaucracy that will require additional agencies to manage the agencies managing the original agencies, creating employment for thousands of administrators whose primary job will be justifying their own existence.

“This reorganization will make government more efficient,” announced officials while creating departments that will require coordination meetings to schedule coordination meetings about coordinating between departments that were created to coordinate existing departments.

The new Bureau of Federal Efficiency will employ 847 people to study why government is inefficient, reporting to the Department of Government Operations, which already employs 2,300 people studying similar questions. Neither agency seems aware the other exists, which probably tells you everything about government efficiency.

Private businesses that attempted similar organizational structure would collapse within months. Government agencies operating this way receive increased funding for failing to accomplish stated missions, suggesting that failure is actually the mission and accomplishing it would eliminate justification for existence.

“We’re eliminating waste,” bureaucrats explain while creating seventeen new ways to waste taxpayer money on salaries, offices, and endless reports that nobody reads but everyone must produce to justify budget requests for next fiscal year.

Local Barber Ruins Perfectly Good Haircut By Asking If You Want Him To “Clean Up The Back”

CHICAGO, IL – What began as adequate haircut became disaster yesterday when barber Theodore Pemberton asked customer Walter Grimsby if he wanted the back “cleaned up,” a question that sounds helpful but actually means “I’m about to remove far more hair than necessary while you watch helplessly in mirror.”

“Just trim it a bit,” Grimsby instructed, providing clear guidance about desired haircut length and style.

“How about I clean up the back?” Pemberton suggested, deploying phrase that means “I’m going to ignore your instructions and cut it however I think it should look.”

“Sure,” Grimsby agreed, making fatal error of believing barber understood “clean up” to mean “slight trim” rather than “aggressive removal of substantial hair resulting in appearance of military recruit.”

Five minutes later, Grimsby resembled someone preparing for basic training rather than someone who asked for “just a trim.” The back of his head now featured hairline approximately two inches higher than when he entered the shop.

“How’s that?” Pemberton asked while Grimsby stared at reflection wondering how “clean up the back” translated to “remove most hair from back of head.”

Barbers apparently learn secret language during barber school where common phrases mean opposite of their dictionary definitions. “Just a trim” means “substantial haircut.” “Clean up the back” means “remove excessive amounts of hair.” “How short do you want it?” means “I’m cutting it short regardless of your answer.”

“Not too short,” customers specify before receiving haircuts far too short.

“I’ll just take a little off” means “I’m removing substantial amounts while you watch.”

The phenomenon appears universal. Every barbershop contains at least three customers currently receiving haircuts shorter than requested while barbers assure them it looks good, which it doesn’t, but what are customers supposed to say? “No, you’ve ruined my head, please glue the hair back on”?

Some men have attempted to prevent over-cutting by providing specific length measurements. “Leave it three inches on top,” they instruct. Barbers nod, then cut it to two inches while explaining that three inches “would have looked odd” despite customers specifically requesting three inches.

As of press time, Grimsby was wearing hat to cover haircut that was supposed to be “just a trim” but now requires six weeks of growth to achieve the length he walked in with forty minutes ago.

Brother’s “Borrowing” Of Sister’s Belongings Constitutes Theft According To Everyone Except Brother

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Following extensive legal and philosophical analysis, experts have confirmed that younger brother Timothy Morrison’s practice of taking sister Susan’s possessions without permission legally qualifies as theft, though Timothy maintains it’s actually “borrowing” because he intends to return items eventually, maybe, if he remembers.

“I’m just borrowing it,” Timothy explained while wearing Susan’s baseball glove that he’d taken from her room without asking.

“That’s stealing,” Susan corrected with accuracy that Timothy rejected as “technically true but missing the spirit of sibling sharing.”

The Department of Justice has confirmed that taking property without permission, regardless of intent to return, meets definition of theft. However, younger siblings possess remarkable ability to redefine theft as borrowing based on theory that family property is shared property even when property owner explicitly states it’s not shared.

“But we’re family,” Timothy argued, deploying logic suggesting family relationship creates universal access rights to all possessions regardless of who purchased or owns them.

“Being related doesn’t give you permission to take my things,” Susan replied with common sense that Timothy ignored.

The borrowing/theft classification appears to depend entirely on perspective. Susan views it as theft because Timothy took her property without asking. Timothy views it as borrowing because he’s her brother and brothers are entitled to sister’s possessions through genetic relationship that supersedes concepts of personal property.

“I would have let you borrow it if you’d asked,” Susan noted.

“But this way is faster,” Timothy replied, accidentally revealing that “borrowing” is actually “taking without permission to avoid permission being denied.”

Parents attempted to resolve dispute by establishing that taking without asking is wrong. Timothy interpreted this to mean he should ask, get told no, then take it anyway, which maintains letter of law about asking while violating spirit of law about respecting property rights.

“Can I borrow your glove?” Timothy now asks.

“No,” Susan replies.

“Okay thanks,” Timothy says while taking glove anyway, apparently believing that asking creates moral high ground even when request is denied and he proceeds regardless.

Some families have attempted to enforce property rights through locks on bedroom doors. Younger siblings view locks as challenges to overcome rather than barriers to respect, developing lock-picking skills that would be impressive if applied to legitimate pursuits rather than stealing sister’s belongings.

As of press time, Timothy was “borrowing” Susan’s bicycle without permission while maintaining this was different from stealing because he intended to return it eventually, though “eventually” appeared to mean “when forced to by parents” rather than voluntarily.

Office Worker’s “Sick Day” Remarkably Coincides With Beautiful Friday Weather

BALTIMORE, MD – Coworkers at Henderson Manufacturing expressed skepticism yesterday about Harold Finchley’s claimed illness that prevented him from working Friday but made miraculous recovery by Saturday morning, particularly given that Friday featured perfect sunny weather while Monday through Thursday had been rainy and miserable.

“I had the flu,” Finchley explained Monday while displaying no symptoms of recent illness and suspicious tan suggesting outdoor Friday activities rather than bed rest.

“The flu that only affects you on beautiful Fridays?” coworker Ernest Potts asked while noting this was third time in two months Finchley had been mysteriously ill on particularly nice Fridays.

“I was really sick,” Finchley insisted while colleagues calculated that his illness pattern aligned perfectly with forecast for sunny weekends, suggesting either remarkable coincidence or tactical use of sick leave for weather-dependent leisure activities.

Office manager Theodore Whitmore noted that sick day patterns reveal interesting trends. “Monday sickness suggests weekend activities caused injury or exhaustion,” he explained. “Friday sickness suggests planned three-day weekend. Tuesday through Thursday sickness is probably legitimate because nobody fakes illness mid-week unless genuinely unable to work.”

Friday illness, particularly on beautiful summer Fridays before three-day weekends, represents what researchers call “strategic health management” where employees align medical problems with optimal days off.

“I needed rest,” Finchley maintained while coworkers pointed out that rest typically occurs indoors rather than at the fishing lake where three separate people reported seeing him Friday afternoon.

“That must have been someone who looks like me,” Finchley replied, deploying defense strategy of claiming doppelganger despite witnesses including his brother-in-law who definitely knows what he looks like.

Some offices have attempted to combat suspicious Friday illness through requiring doctor’s notes. This resulted in doctors who will provide notes confirming illness without examination, creating cottage industry of medical excuse provision that accomplishes nothing except adding paperwork.

As of press time, Finchley was planning another sick day for Friday before July 4th holiday, claiming he “felt something coming on” that would definitely require Thursday and Friday recovery time to prevent missing the long weekend.

Family Dog’s Unexplained Ability To Hear Can Opener From Three Blocks Away Baffles Scientists

MILWAUKEE, WI – Researchers studying canine auditory capabilities remain mystified by family dog Buster’s remarkable ability to detect can opener operation from extraordinary distances while remaining completely deaf to commands shouted from six feet away.

“Buster, come here!” owner Theodore Whitmore called seventeen times without response while dog remained motionless on couch.

Sound of can opener being retrieved from drawer brought Buster to kitchen within four seconds despite being asleep three rooms away with door closed.

“How did he hear that but not hear me calling him?” Whitmore asked while watching dog materialize instantly for feeding time after ignoring his name being called repeatedly for ten minutes.

Scientists at the Institute for Animal Behavior confirm that dogs possess selective hearing that operates on frequency only they understand. Commands, instructions, and name-calling apparently fall outside this frequency. Can openers, treat bags, and refrigerator doors opening register perfectly.

“He hears what he wants to hear,” Whitmore noted while describing Buster’s ability to sleep through thunderstorms but wake instantly for cheese being unwrapped in kitchen.

The phenomenon extends beyond food-related sounds. Buster can detect:

• Car arriving home from two blocks away
• Leash being picked up from closet
• Word “walk” whispered in different room
• Treat jar opening from any distance

While remaining mysteriously deaf to:

• “Come here” shouted repeatedly
• “Get off the furniture” said firmly
• “Drop it” commanded urgently
• Any instruction requiring obedience

Veterinarians confirm dog hearing is physically superior to human hearing. What they cannot explain is why this superior hearing only functions for sounds dogs want to hear while completely failing for sounds dogs prefer to ignore.

As of press time, Buster had ignored his name being called forty-seven times but appeared instantly when someone mentioned the word “dinner” in casual conversation with volume barely above whisper.

Man’s Attempt At Home Electrical Repair Results In Calling Professional He Should Have Hired Initially

CLEVELAND, OH – Following six hours of attempting to replace light switch himself, area resident Ernest Potts finally called electrician who completed repair in twelve minutes, costing $45 plus the $67 in supplies Potts purchased while not understanding what supplies were needed.

“How hard can it be?” Potts asked before beginning project that would prove considerably harder than anticipated.

“It’s just wires,” he explained while examining junction box containing wires whose purposes he didn’t understand and configuration that made no sense to someone without electrical training.

Six hours later, the light switch remained non-functional, several breakers had been tripped, and Potts had gained healthy respect for electrical work he’d previously dismissed as “something anyone can do.”

“I almost had it figured out,” Potts maintained while electrician Theodore Pemberton surveyed damage and wondered aloud why homeowners believe watching five minutes of electrical work qualifies them to perform electrical work.

“You connected the hot wire to ground,” Pemberton noted while fixing connections that could have caused fire if power had been restored.

“Is that bad?” Potts asked, confirming that he understood neither electrical theory nor why someone without that understanding shouldn’t attempt electrical repairs.

The project cost breakdown revealed interesting pattern:

• Supplies purchased while not knowing what was needed: $67
• Time wasted attempting repair: 6 hours
• Electrician call-out fee: $45
• Total cost: $112 plus six hours

Had Potts called electrician initially, cost would have been $45 and time would have been twelve minutes, suggesting that DIY electrical work primarily benefits electrical supply stores and electricians who get called to fix DIY disasters.

“But I learned something,” Potts maintained while reviewing expensive lesson about why some jobs require professionals.

What he learned, apparently, was that next time he’ll attempt the repair for seven hours before calling electrician.

About This Issue

Bohiney Magazine – Volume 1, Issue 18 – Published every Saturday from our offices in Washington, DC.

Editorial Staff, 1947: Editors-in-Chief: Corporal Henry “Hank” Bohiney & Sergeant Lester “Les” Krupke
Senior Correspondents: Dorothy Ashworth, Harold K. Pennington III
Contributing Satirist: Reginald “Reggie” Buttonworth

Bohiney Magazine: Defending individual liberty, limited government, free markets, and personal responsibility since 1947. All articles are works of satire.