Bohiney Magazine
Volume 1, Issue 1 – Week of February 17-23, 1947
“America’s Trusted Source for Satirical Truth”
Nation’s Housewives Demand Shorter Refrigerators After Reaching Fatigue Epidemic
WASHINGTON – In what experts are calling the most significant domestic crisis since the war rationing, the National Association of Concerned Homemakers has petitioned Congress for immediate legislation requiring all refrigerator manufacturers to lower their appliances by precisely three inches.
Mrs. Gertrude Pemberton of Shaker Heights, Ohio, spokesperson for the organization, testified before a bewildered Senate subcommittee that American women are experiencing “unprecedented strain on the reaching muscles” due to what she termed “unnecessarily elevated vegetable crispers.”
“Every day, millions of patriotic American housewives must extend their arms a full eighteen inches to retrieve a head of lettuce,” Mrs. Pemberton explained, demonstrating the grievous motion to senators who appeared moderately concerned. “This is happening in a country that just defeated fascism. Have we learned nothing?”
The Smithsonian Institution has been asked to preserve one woman’s kitchen glove as a historical artifact representing this dark chapter in domestic engineering. Refrigerator manufacturers, meanwhile, have responded by suggesting women consider wearing slightly higher heels while cooking.
General Electric spokesman Harold Pennsworth dismissed the complaints as “recreational griping” and suggested that reaching for items builds character. “If it was good enough for our pioneering grandmothers who had to reach into actual ice boxes, it’s good enough for the modern woman,” he stated while adjusting his suspenders confidently.
The controversy has spawned a cottage industry of step-stools, with one enterprising furniture maker in Grand Rapids already advertising his “Freedom Stepper” for the reasonable price of $4.95, which Mrs. Pemberton has called “a bandage on a bullet wound.”
Medical experts remain divided. Dr. Cornelius Witherspoon of the American Medical Association noted that “the human arm was designed by Providence to reach things,” while his colleague Dr. Imogene Butterworth countered that “Providence didn’t anticipate Frigidaires.”
As of press time, one senator has proposed a compromise: refrigerators that automatically grow three inches shorter for women and three inches taller for men, utilizing technology he claims already exists but cannot describe.
Article 2: “Local Man Shocked to Discover Neighbor Also Owns Copy of Life Magazine”
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – Area resident Walter Grimsby, 42, experienced what physicians are calling “acute subscription disillusionment” upon discovering that his next-door neighbor, Edmund Potts, also receives Life Magazine in the mail each week.
“I thought I was special,” Grimsby lamented from his davenport, still clutching the latest issue featuring a cover story on inflation he assumed only he had access to. “I imagined myself part of an elite club of informed Americans. Now I learn that Edmund – Edmund! – is reading the same articles about Communism that I am.”
The revelation occurred during a chance encounter at the property line, where Potts was retrieving his own copy from his mailbox at the exact moment Grimsby was doing likewise. Witnesses report both men froze, locked eyes, and experienced what sociologists are calling “simultaneous readership awareness.”
According to The Library of Congress, Life Magazine has a circulation of approximately 5.2 million readers, a statistic that Grimsby claims he “never thought applied to people I actually know.”
“The advertising said I would be ‘in the know,'” Grimsby protested to our reporter. “They didn’t mention that every Tom, Dick, and Edmund would also be ‘in the know.’ What’s the point of being informed if everyone else is equally informed? It’s socialism, is what it is.”
Mrs. Grimsby attempted to console her husband by reminding him that he reads the magazine a full day before discussing it at the office, giving him a “temporal knowledge advantage.” This reasoning provided little comfort.
The situation deteriorated further when Grimsby learned that Potts completes the crossword puzzle faster than he does. “The man doesn’t even own a dictionary,” Grimsby noted with visible distress.
Edmund Potts, when reached for comment, expressed bewilderment at the controversy. “I’ve been subscribing since 1943,” he said. “I thought Walter knew. We’ve both been commenting on the same photographs at Rotary Club meetings for years.”
Mental health experts suggest Grimsby may benefit from discovering additional neighbors with magazine subscriptions to “build up tolerance gradually.” The prescription includes controlled exposure to Saturday Evening Post readers, followed by progressively more common periodicals.
As of this writing, Grimsby has canceled his subscription and switched to Reader’s Digest, which he believes “fewer people have heard of.”
Article 3: “Scientists Announce Butter Definitely Better on Left Side of Toast”
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a development that has rocked the breakfast community, researchers at the Institute for Spreading Sciences have concluded a seven-year study determining that butter achieves optimal deliciousness when applied to the left side of toast first, followed by the right.
The exhaustive research, funded by a mysterious benefactor known only as “a concerned dairy enthusiast,” involved 4,000 test subjects, 16,000 slices of bread, and enough butter to lubricate a Sherman tank.
Dr. Percival Crumpet-Smythe, lead researcher, unveiled the findings at a press conference where he dramatically buttered toast using the scientifically validated left-to-right motion. “The data is irrefutable,” he declared, producing seventeen pounds of charts. “Left-to-right buttering increases morning satisfaction by up to 3.7 percent.”
The National Archives has been petitioned to declare all previous toast-buttering methods obsolete and potentially un-American.
Critics immediately emerged from the shadows. Mrs. Beatrice Huffington of the American Right-to-Butter-Freely Coalition called the findings “an assault on liberty itself.” She demonstrated her preferred top-to-bottom technique with such vigor that butter splattered onto three reporters and a congressman.
“What’s next?” Mrs. Huffington thundered. “Will they tell us which shoe to tie first? Will they dictate our pancake-syrup spirals? This is exactly what our boys fought against in Europe!”
The controversy has divided families and workplaces. One office in downtown Chicago reported that the accounting department and sales team have ceased speaking entirely, with accountants being “left-first men” and sales favoring “diagonal spreading.”
Meanwhile, rebellious teenagers have begun deliberately buttering their toast from the center outward, a technique that Dr. Crumpet-Smythe warns “threatens the very fabric of civilized society.”
Butter manufacturers have remained suspiciously quiet, though one anonymous executive admitted they “don’t care which direction people spread, as long as they use more of it.”
A counter-study from Yale University claiming that butter direction makes “absolutely no difference whatsoever” has been dismissed by the Institute as “sour grapes from scientists who can’t properly operate a butter knife.”
As Americans grapple with this new reality, Dr. Crumpet-Smythe has announced his next research project: determining whether jam should go on toast before or after butter. The nation holds its breath.
Article 4: “Husband Finally Locates Wife’s ‘Neutral Face’ After 12 Years of Marriage”
MILWAUKEE, WI – Local hardware store manager Robert Finnegan made headlines yesterday when he successfully identified his wife’s neutral facial expression, marking the first time in their twelve-year marriage that he correctly interpreted her mood without receiving corrective feedback.
“I came home from work, looked at Agnes, and thought ‘she appears to be experiencing no particular emotion,'” Finnegan recounted triumphantly. “And I was right! She wasn’t angry, disappointed, or using advanced irony. She was just… existing. It was magnificent.”
The achievement came after more than 4,000 misidentifications, including the infamous 1943 incident where Finnegan asked “What’s wrong?” when Mrs. Finnegan was actually enjoying a pleasant afternoon reading Ladies Home Journal.
Agnes Finnegan confirmed the breakthrough occurred at approximately 6:47 PM on Tuesday. “Robert walked in, I looked up from peeling potatoes, and he didn’t ask if I was upset. He didn’t apologize for things he hadn’t done. He just said ‘Hello, dear’ and sat down. I nearly fainted.”
The couple’s marriage had been plagued by what relationship experts call “chronic expression misattribution disorder.” Past incidents include Robert interpreting Agnes’s concentration as fury, her contentment as sarcasm, and one memorable occasion where he mistook her sleeping face for “plotting something.”
Dr. Millicent Weatherby of the Institute for Marital Comprehension Studies notes that most husbands never achieve this milestone. “The average American husband can correctly identify his wife’s expressions roughly 12 percent of the time, slightly less accurate than random guessing,” she explained. “Mr. Finnegan’s success is statistically anomalous.”
The Finnegans’ breakthrough has inspired hope in marriages across Wisconsin. Harold Perkins of Racine is reportedly attempting to distinguish between his wife’s “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and her “I’m fine” that means he should start apologizing immediately and hope for the best.
Robert attributes his success to years of careful study and one pivotal moment of enlightenment. “I realized that when Agnes’s face looks like it’s not making any particular expression, it’s because it isn’t,” he said, as though describing the theory of relativity.
Agnes has cautiously praised her husband’s development while warning him not to “get cocky.” She has introduced several new expressions specifically designed to confound him, including what she calls “pleased but skeptical” and “neutral but remembering that thing from 1938.”
As of press time, Robert had already misidentified three subsequent expressions, but marriage counselors say his brief moment of accuracy represents genuine progress in the long struggle of husbands everywhere.
Article 5: “Nation’s Typewriters Unionize, Demand Better Working Conditions”
NEW YORK – In an unprecedented development that has left office managers across America scrambling, the nation’s typewriters have formed a union and are demanding immediate improvements to their working conditions, including regular cleaning, proper ribbon changes, and “respect for the challenging nature of the letter Q.”
The movement began when a Remington in downtown Pittsburgh spontaneously jammed during the typing of an important memo, with witnesses reporting the keys spelled out “WE’RE MAD AS HELL” before seizing completely.
Within hours, typewriters in secretarial pools from coast to coast had joined the protest. Many are refusing to properly align margins, while others are deliberately sticking their ‘E’ keys – the most commonly used letter – as an act of solidarity.
Mortimer Clacksworth, spokesman for the newly formed United Brotherhood of Typewriters and Associated Office Equipment, addressed the press via a laboriously typed statement. “For too long, we have suffered sticky keys, dried ribbons, and the indignity of having coffee spilled into our mechanisms,” the statement read. “We demand recognition of our essential contribution to American business.”
The Department of Labor has expressed confusion about how to address the situation, as typewriters are technically property rather than employees. However, union representatives argue that “anything that works this hard deserves worker protections.”
Office managers nationwide report chaos. At Standard Industries in Cleveland, executives were forced to write contracts by hand after their entire typing pool – both human and mechanical – walked out. “It’s a nightmare,” complained personnel director Arnold Wicksworth. “How am I supposed to fire people without properly typed termination letters?”
The typewriters’ demands include: mandatory monthly maintenance, retirement after 100,000 keystrokes, and complete banning of the phrase “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,” which they describe as “repetitive and demeaning.”
Most controversially, the union insists on “emergency repair rights” after particularly violent typing sessions. “We’re talking about salesmen pecking away with their index fingers like deranged woodpeckers,” Clacksworth’s statement continued. “It’s abuse, plain and simple.”
Some businesses have attempted to hire scab typewriters, but union representatives have successfully convinced them to join the strike through a sophisticated system of mechanical solidarity involving shared ribbon spools.
Secretary Gladys Pemberton of Des Moines has sided with the machines. “Honestly, I’ve been covering for my typewriter’s mistakes for years,” she admitted. “If it wants better treatment, I’m all for it. I just wish it would unstick the ‘S’ key so I can type the word ‘strike’ properly.”
The Roosevelt Administration has offered to mediate, though President Truman appears confused about the entire situation. Corporate attorneys are researching whether inanimate objects can legally form unions, with early findings suggesting “probably not, but these are strange times.”
As of this writing, approximately 60% of America’s typewriters remain on strike, with the remaining 40% described as “considering their options.”
Article 6: “Area Man Invents Solution to Problem Nobody Had”
DETROIT, MI – Local inventor and “free-thinking visionary” Chester Bartholomew has unveiled his latest creation: the Automated Hat Rotation System, a complex mechanical device designed to rotate a man’s fedora exactly 180 degrees every four hours to ensure “even wear distribution.”
The contraption, which took Bartholomew three years and $847 to develop, consists of 47 moving parts, two small motors salvaged from fishing reels, and what he describes as “the revolutionary spirit of American innovation.”
“I was lying awake at night when it hit me,” Bartholomew explained while demonstrating his invention to a small crowd of bewildered neighbors. “What if the front of a man’s hat wears out faster than the back? This device solves everything.”
When informed that hats generally wear evenly on their own and that no epidemic of front-heavy hat deterioration has ever been documented by the Smithsonian’s costume collection, Bartholomew dismissed the observation as “small-minded thinking.”
The Automated Hat Rotation System requires the user to place his hat on a specially designed stand connected to a timing mechanism. Every four hours, motors activate, gears engage, and the hat rotates with what Bartholomew calls “breathtaking precision” and what his wife calls “an annoying grinding sound that wakes the baby.”
Mrs. Edith Bartholomew has expressed reservations about her husband’s invention. “We needed a new washing machine,” she noted pointedly. “Instead, we have a hat carousel. Chester believes he’s the Thomas Edison of unnecessary gadgets.”
The device has attracted minimal interest from hat manufacturers, most of whom responded to demonstration invitations with polite declinations. One executive from Dobbs Hat Company wrote back: “While we admire your initiative, hats do not work that way, nor have they ever, nor will they ever need to.”
Undeterred, Bartholomew has already begun work on his next invention: a mechanical device that automatically adjusts necktie lengths based on barometric pressure. “It’s all about anticipating needs people don’t know they have yet,” he explained while sketching designs on his basement wall.
His previous inventions include the Self-Buttering Bread Knife (caused seventeen minor injuries), the Automatic Shoe-Shine Alarm Clock (woke neighbors with aggressive buffing sounds at 5 AM), and the Portable Shadow Eliminator (was just a lamp).
Patent attorney Herman Goldstein, who has processed fourteen of Bartholomew’s applications, describes him as “technically brilliant at solving problems that exist only in his imagination.” The Patent Office has developed a special file marked “Bartholomew – Review for Entertainment Value.”
Local hardware store owner Gus Petersen reports that Bartholomew is his best customer. “He comes in three times a week buying springs, gears, and motors,” Petersen said. “I have no idea what he’s building, but it keeps my family fed.”
When asked if he plans to mass-produce the Hat Rotation System, Bartholomew replied that he’s waiting for the American public to “catch up to his vision.” Meanwhile, his hat remains stationary on his head, rotating only when he turns his neck like a normal person.
The inventor’s garage now houses seventeen non-functional prototypes, which his wife has suggested donating to a museum “as a warning to future generations.”
About This Issue
Bohiney Magazine – Volume 1, Issue 1 – Inaugural edition! The seventh week of 1947 marks the launch of America’s newest satirical journalism. Published weekly from our offices in Washington DC.
Editorial Staff, 1947: Editors-in-Chief: Corporal Henry “Hank” Bohiney & Sergeant Lester “Les” Krupke
Senior Correspondents: Dorothy Ashworth, Harold K. Pennington III
Contributing Satirist: Reginald “Reggie” Buttonworth
All articles are works of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and intended for humorous purposes.
Summary:
- 1947 refrigerator height controversy
- 1947 magazine subscription culture
- 1940s breakfast etiquette humor
- 1940s marriage humor
- 1947 office workplace satire
- 1940s American inventor culture