TRANSCRIPT of KAMALA HARRIS SPEECH
THE PAVILION AT STAR LAKE – August 13, 2024
[Kamala Harris steps onto the stage, greeted by a cheering crowd of zombies. She adjusts her microphone and begins her speech.]
Kamala Harris: Thank you, thank you! What a… um, lively crowd we have here tonight. It’s wonderful to see so many… dedicated supporters! I know you’ve been waiting for this moment, and I’m here to tell you that your voices have been heard. Yes, even if your voices sound a little… groaning.
The wealthiest of the living will be taxed for their extravagant brain consumption. This is the undead equivalent of a luxury tax on gold-plated toilets. Apparently, even in the afterlife, you need to pay for your high-end taste in brains.
[The zombies groan in agreement.]
Kamala Harris: Now, I understand there’s been a lot of discussion about the state of the world and your… unique needs. So let me address the concerns head-on. First and foremost, I want to assure you that we have a plan to make sure that you get what you deserve.
[The zombies shuffle forward eagerly.]
Kamala Harris: You see, many of you have been worried about how the system is going to work for you. Well, fear not! Our administration is committed to making sure that you all get… the recognition and resources you need. We have a fantastic proposal that will ensure your interests are represented.
[A zombie in the front row raises a decaying hand.]
Kamala Harris: Yes, you there—what’s your question?
Zombie: [Groans] What about… brains?
Kamala Harris: Ah, brains! Yes, we’re going to make sure that every zombie has access to… a high-quality, nutritious diet. We know how important it is for you to stay… well, engaged. And here’s the best part: We’re going to make sure that the rich pay for it!
[The zombies moan with approval.]
Kamala Harris: That’s right, folks. The rich will cover the costs. We’re going to impose a new… Zombie Tax on the wealthiest of the living. They’ll be responsible for making sure you have access to… all the brains and other resources you need.
[The zombies cheer and shuffle excitedly.]
Kamala Harris: Now, let’s talk about the specifics of this Zombie Tax. We’re not just talking about any old tax. This is a “Luxury Brain Tax.” It’s designed to ensure that those with the most… financial resources contribute their fair share to supporting the zombie community. This tax will be applied to luxury items and extravagant lifestyles—things like designer clothes, private jets, and fancy… brain garnishes.
[A zombie in a tattered suit gives a thumbs-up.]
Kamala Harris: We’re also introducing a new initiative to improve… infrastructure in the zombie communities. We’re talking about better… crypts, improved graveyards, and more comfortable… resting places. No longer will you have to shuffle around in discomfort. Our plan includes state-of-the-art… decomposing facilities with climate control to keep you at the perfect… ambient rot.
[A zombie with a sunhat raises an arm, asking a question.]
Zombie: [Groans] What about… public transportation?
Kamala Harris: Excellent question! Public transportation is a crucial part of our plan. We’re going to enhance the… zombie-friendly transit system, featuring high-speed… corpse carriages and accessible… afterlife buses. These will ensure you can travel comfortably to your… favorite brain feasts and social gatherings.
[The zombies cheer in agreement.]
Kamala Harris: And let’s not forget healthcare! We’re going to ensure that every zombie has access to top-notch… necromantic care. From routine reanimation checks to advanced… decay treatments, we’ve got you covered. We’re establishing a network of… zombie health centers that will provide comprehensive care, including… limb regrowth, and… decay prevention.
[A zombie with a missing arm raises a decaying hand.]
Zombie: [Groans] What about… job opportunities?
Kamala Harris: Great point! We’re creating job opportunities specifically for zombies. We’re launching a new initiative called “Undead Jobs for the Undead,” which will provide you with roles in various sectors, including… undead labor, grave maintenance, and even… zombie ambassador positions. This will ensure that you have meaningful work and can contribute to the… community’s growth.
[The zombies nod and groan in agreement.]
Kamala Harris: Additionally, we’re investing in education for the undead. We’re establishing… zombie learning centers where you can acquire new skills and… refresh your knowledge. Whether it’s learning about… necromancy, advanced brain consumption techniques, or… history of the undead, we want to ensure that you’re empowered and informed.
[A zombie in glasses shuffles forward, asking a question.]
Zombie: [Groans] What about… retirement plans?
Kamala Harris: Another excellent question! We’re introducing a new… Zombie Retirement Fund. This will allow you to save for your later years of… unlife, ensuring you have access to resources and… relaxation opportunities when you’re ready to… slow down. The fund will be supported by contributions from the Luxury Brain Tax and will provide you with… comfortable crypts, high-quality brains, and… other amenities.
Comprehensive care including limb regrowth and decay prevention. Finally, a healthcare plan that covers everything from your missing arm to your unraveling intestines. It’s the ultimate in undead wellness.
[The zombies cheer, clearly excited about this news.]
Kamala Harris: And remember, this is just the beginning. We’re also focusing on… environmental sustainability. We’re developing new… undead gardens and… eco-friendly graveyards that will ensure we’re leaving a… better afterlife for future generations. Our goal is to create a… harmonious balance between the living and the undead.
[The zombies nod in approval.]
Kamala Harris: Now, I know some of you might be concerned about the logistics of all this. But rest assured, our administration is working tirelessly to make sure everything is… well, smooth and efficient. We have a team dedicated to ensuring that the transition to a better… undead life is seamless.
[A zombie in a lab coat raises a hand.]
Zombie: [Groans] Will there be… special events?
Kamala Harris: Absolutely! We’re planning a series of… undead festivals and… brain feasts to celebrate the new era of prosperity. These events will feature… entertainment, food, and opportunities to connect with fellow zombies. We want to make sure that you have plenty of chances to… enjoy life and make new… undead friends.
[The zombies shuffle excitedly at the prospect of events.]
Kamala Harris: And let’s not forget about… community engagement. We’re establishing new… zombie councils to give you a voice in local matters. These councils will work closely with our administration to ensure that your… needs and concerns are addressed promptly. We want to create a system where every zombie has… input and representation.
[A zombie in a suit and tie stands up, raising a hand.]
Kamala promises that every zombie will have access to high-quality brains. Because clearly, we’re not just talking about any brains—we’re talking top-shelf, gourmet brains. It’s like she’s offering a “Brains of the Month Club,” but for the undead.
Zombie: [Groans] What about… security?
Kamala Harris: Excellent question! We’re enhancing security measures to protect the… undead community. This includes increased patrols, better… afterlife surveillance, and… safety protocols to ensure you can go about your daily… brain activities without worry. We’re committed to creating a safe and secure environment for everyone.
[The zombies nod and moan in agreement.]
Kamala Harris: And finally, we’re investing in research and development to… further improve your undead experience. We’re funding studies on… advanced necromantic techniques, better… decay management, and even… ways to enhance your… sensory perceptions. Our goal is to ensure that you have access to the latest… innovations and improvements.
[A zombie with a clipboard raises a hand.]
Zombie: [Groans] Will there be… special programs for… young zombies?
Kamala Harris: Absolutely! We’re introducing new… youth programs designed specifically for young zombies. These programs will offer… education, recreational activities, and… social development opportunities to ensure that the younger generation of zombies has… everything they need to thrive.
[The zombies cheer, clearly pleased with the new programs.]
Kamala Harris: Now, I know that these are ambitious plans, but with your support and the help of the… wealthy contributors, we can make them a reality. We’re committed to creating a future where zombies can thrive and live their best… undeath. Together, we can build a world where every zombie has the chance to… succeed and flourish.
[The zombies cheer and shuffle in excitement.]
Kamala Harris: Thank you all for your enthusiasm and support. Let’s move forward with confidence, knowing that the rich will take care of the rest. Together, we can create a better, more equitable… afterlife for everyone.
[Kamala Harris waves and steps away from the podium, the zombies continuing to cheer and shuffle in excitement.]
[As the cheering subsides, Kamala Harris addresses the crowd one more time.]
Kamala Harris: Before I go, let me leave you with this thought: The future is bright, and with our plans in place, every zombie will have the opportunity to… enjoy a fulfilling, enriched, and comfortable existence. We’re in this together, and with the support of the rich and our dedicated efforts, we will make this vision a reality. Thank you, and keep… groaning with pride!
[The zombies cheer once more as Kamala Harris exits the stage, leaving the auditorium filled with an enthusiastic and excited crowd.]
Kamala Harris’s Campaign Promises to Zombies
- Universal Brain Access:
Observation: Kamala promises that every zombie will have access to high-quality brains. Because clearly, we’re not just talking about any brains—we’re talking top-shelf, gourmet brains. It’s like she’s offering a “Brains of the Month Club,” but for the undead. - Luxury Brain Tax:
Observation: The wealthiest of the living will be taxed for their extravagant brain consumption. This is the undead equivalent of a luxury tax on gold-plated toilets. Apparently, even in the afterlife, you need to pay for your high-end taste in brains. - State-of-the-Art Decomposition Facilities:
Observation: Kamala promises advanced decay treatment with climate control. It’s like she’s setting up a five-star spa for zombies, complete with temperature-controlled decomposing rooms. Because every zombie deserves a relaxing rot. - Zombie-Friendly Transit System:
Observation: High-speed corpse carriages and afterlife buses will ensure zombies can travel comfortably. It’s a good thing too, because nothing says “efficient” like a public transportation system designed specifically for the slow-moving undead. - Necromantic Health Centers:
Observation: Comprehensive care including limb regrowth and decay prevention. Finally, a healthcare plan that covers everything from your missing arm to your unraveling intestines. It’s the ultimate in undead wellness. - Undead Jobs Initiative:
Observation: Job roles in undead labor, grave maintenance, and zombie ambassadorship. Because if there’s one thing zombies need, it’s a meaningful career—maybe you can even get a 401(k) plan in your next role as a graveyard shift manager. - Zombie Learning Centers:
Observation: Education on necromancy and brain consumption. Zombies can now go back to school for an advanced degree in “How to Be a Better Zombie,” proving that even the undead value higher education—assuming they don’t lose interest halfway through. - Zombie Retirement Fund:
Observation: A retirement plan for when zombies want to slow down. It’s like setting up a Roth IRA for the afterlife, complete with “golden years” benefits. Nothing says comfort like planning for your post-decomposition future. - Undead Festivals and Brain Feasts:
Observation: Special events featuring entertainment and brain buffets. Because no matter how dead you are, you still need a good party and a banquet of brains to keep things exciting. - Eco-Friendly Graveyards:
Observation: Investment in sustainable graveyards and undead gardens. Kamala’s plan for a green afterlife is like turning your eternal rest into a carbon-neutral cemetery—because even in death, we have to think about our environmental footprint.
Conclusion
Kamala Harris’s campaign promises are designed to address every aspect of the zombie experience with a mix of futuristic technology and old-fashioned governance. Whether it’s luxurious brains, cutting-edge decomposition facilities, or high-speed transit, her platform ensures that the undead are well taken care of—right down to the last groan.
Keywords: Kamala Harris, zombie campaign promises, undead healthcare, brain tax, zombie transit system, luxury brains, eco-friendly graveyards, undead festivals, zombie jobs, necromantic education