How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything Longer Than a Hashtag
A Self-Help Guide for Donald J. Trump (Or Anyone Allergic to Books)
INTRODUCTION:
Being President is hard work. But reading? Now that’s impossible. Why suffer through briefings when you could just trust your gut, your golf caddy, or the guy who does your hair?
Welcome to the ultimate guide: how to be President of the United States – without reading a single briefing, intelligence report, or, let’s be honest, menu that doesn’t have pictures.
Step 1: Master the Art of Vibes-Based Governance
You don’t need policy experience. You need confidence. Who has time for a 300-page economic forecast when you’ve got a “feeling” the economy is doing great? Gut instinct is your Chief of Staff now.
“If you can fake confidence without facts, you can run a country.” – Ron White, probably
Step 2: Replace Books With Teleprompter Karaoke
Reading long documents is for nerds and librarians. Instead, learn to half-read a teleprompter while squinting. Pro tip: If you forget what’s next, just ad-lib about how unfair the media is. It works 100% of the time and 1776% of the time at rallies.
Step 3: Redefine “Briefing” to Mean “Fox & Friends Segment”
You don’t need the Presidential Daily Brief when Tucker already explained everything in under 90 seconds. Nuclear proliferation? Boring. Talk to a MyPillow exec. They’ve got real theories.
Step 4: Outsource Thought
Thinking is for interns and exhausted generals. Delegate mental activity to underlings, campaign surrogates, and that one guy from your golf club who has “big ideas about tariffs and aliens.”
Step 5: Call Every Intelligence Report “Fake” and It Stops Being Real
If something sounds complicated, simply say:
“That’s fake news. I know things. I know many things. The best things.”Congratulations. You are now smarter than the CIA by default.
Step 6: Turn Executive Orders Into Mad Libs
Just fill in the blanks:
“I hereby declare ______ is now illegal, and ______ is the new national dish. God Bless ______.”Use crayons if necessary. It feels more presidential.
Step 7: Replace Reading with Shouting the Opposite
If the briefing says “escalating tensions,” you say “peace is breaking out.” If it says “North Korea tested a missile,” you say “Kim sent me a very nice letter, handwritten, scented, beautiful.”
“It’s not a lie if it’s louder than the facts.” – Jerry Seinfeld, never but maybe
Step 8: Distract with Hats
When challenged, wear a new hat. “Space Force.” “Corn Tariffs Rule.” “I Did 9/11 (Golf Score, Not the Other Thing).” People will forget you mispronounced ‘Yemen’ as ‘Yemenemem.’
Step 9: Remember, Every Scandal Is Just a Branding Opportunity
Caught ignoring briefings? Rebrand as “America’s First Gut-Based Genius.” Make merch. Make money. Make America Guess Again.
Step 10: Have a Scapegoat Ready at All Times
When avoiding reading catches up to you, blame:
- The deep state
- The weather
- Joe Biden’s teleprompter
- An intern named Derek
- Or just say the binder was “too heavy”
CONCLUSION:
You don’t need to read to lead. You need a Sharpie, a social media account, and a face that says, “I absolutely did not just ignore a national security memo about nuclear goats.”
Being POTUS without reading is easy-just surround yourself with yes-men, never admit confusion, and double down on whatever truth you invented during breakfast.
As they say in Washington:“If you can’t read the room, just burn it down and declare yourself the winner.”
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything Longer Than a Hashtag
1. “Trump doesn’t read briefings-he flips them over and asks, ‘Does this come in steak?'” – Ron White
2. “Presidents used to read entire economic reports. Trump reads fortune cookies and thinks it’s a fiscal strategy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
3. “The only thing he reads top to bottom is a Big Mac wrapper. And even that’s optional.” – Sarah Silverman
4. “You could write ‘DO NOT PRESS’ on the nuclear button and he’d still press it-then blame it on Hunter Biden’s laptop.” – Larry David
5. “He thinks ‘PDB’ stands for ‘Pillow Delivery Boy.'” – Amy Schumer
6. “You ever seen someone ad-lib a foreign policy? It’s like watching a toddler direct air traffic with crayons.” – Kevin Hart
7. “He’s not illiterate. He’s just allergic to information.” – Bill Burr
8. “The guy said he had ‘the best words’ but won’t use more than 280 characters. That’s not a speech-it’s a sneeze.” – Chris Rock
9. “Every time someone hands him a report, he just turns it into a coaster and yells ‘Job done!'” – Ron White
10. “He thought ‘Briefing Book’ was just a lingerie catalog with footnotes.” – Sarah Silverman
11. “Trump treats the Constitution like it’s an IKEA manual-confusing, too long, and missing a screw.” – Jerry Seinfeld
12. “Reading is fundamental. Unless you’re a former President, in which case it’s optional like taxes or pants.” – Bill Burr
