Border Patrol to Confiscate Apology Notes, Replace with MAGA Hats
Trump Declares National “Sorry-Free Zone,” Signs Executive Order While Smirking at Canada
Border Patrol to Confiscate Apology Notes, Replace with MAGA Hats
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring “apology is weakness disguised as manners,” Donald Trump signed an executive order officially making the United States a federally recognized “Sorry-Free Zone.” The signing took place in the Rose Garden, where he grinned menacingly toward a live video feed of Canada.
“From now on, if you’re sorry, say it in French — preferably across the border,” Trump quipped, as supporters chanted “SOR-RY? NO-WAY!”
The executive order mandates:
- All federal employees must replace “I’m sorry” with “You’re welcome for my honesty.”
- Canadian visitors must take a “No Remorse Pledge” at customs.
- Public school guidance counselors must undergo training in unapologetic conflict escalation.
Homeland Security began issuing apology detectors, which emit a screeching eagle sound when they detect contrition within a 10-foot radius.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded with confusion, a furrowed brow, and a handmade apology fruit basket addressed “To Whom It May Concern.”
Trump doubled down: “Canada can keep their “sorries’ and maple-flavored shame. We’ve got testosterone and tailgate justice.”
The CDC has issued a statement clarifying that while empathy is not contagious, the secondhand cringe is very real.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
