Now Hiring: Mossad Becomes Iran’s Top Employer, Offers Dental, Disguises, and Drone Mileage
When the job market collapses, espionage picks up the slack.
By Leili “LinkedIn” Daryabadi, Reporting from Inside a Secret Recruitment Tent Behind a Falafel Cart
TEHRAN, IRAN — It’s 2025, and Iran’s job market is booming—just not for Iranians. Mossad becomes Iran’s top employer and it’s GRAND!
According to recent job boards, whispered Telegram channels, and one extremely confident guy yelling at a shisha lounge, the Mossad is now Iran’s fastest-growing employer. That’s right: Israel’s intelligence agency is now overtaking the Iranian private sector in what economists are calling “a hostile takeover, but with career development.”
Forget start-ups and fintech. The real innovation hub in Iran is now operating under an alias, wearing sunglasses indoors, and offering paid training in both “sabotage” and “speaking Farsi with a Tel Aviv accent.”
Job Market Breakdown: Mossad > MahdiTech Solutions
Once mocked for their secrecy, Mossad recruiters have gone full Gen Z with Instagram reels, discreet job fairs, and pop-up drone shops disguised as dating cafes. A recent poster seen at Tehran University read:
🔥 URGENT: Need Meaningful Work? Sick of Remote? Try Remote-Controlled Bombs!🔥
Apply today and receive a complimentary alias, VPN, and gift-wrapped moral ambiguity.
Meanwhile, Iran’s own job listings included:
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“Junior Clerk, Wheat Subsidy Department — unpaid internship, must bring your own paper.”
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“Surveillance Camera Wiper — binoculars not included.”
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“Government Apology Writer — experience in shifting blame mandatory.”
No wonder 62% of Iranian job seekers are swiping right on espionage.
Economics: When Your Real Economy Is Fake IDs
With the rial still wobbling like a sad goat on a seesaw, Iran’s youth are turning to espionomic mobility.
Mossad, like any modern employer, provides:
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Flexible hours (bomb at dawn or dusk—it’s your call)
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Work-from-home options (if your home has basement access to missile storage)
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Disguise reimbursements up to 80% (must submit selfie with mustache)
A recent labor market report published by the semi-banned Institute for Satirical Macro Economics (ISME) revealed that Mossad now employs more Iranians than telecommunications, healthcare, and rug exportation combined.
“Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m working for Mossad anymore,” said 23-year-old Milad, “but the weekly payments are nice and the suicide drones come pre-assembled.”
Interview Process: IQ Test, Loyalty Test, Snapchat Filter Test
According to leaked footage, the Mossad hiring process in Iran now includes:
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A background check — if you’ve ever read The Catcher in the Rye, you’re in.
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A field test — sneak a USB stick into the Ministry of Pottery and Legacy Fonts.
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A vibe check — can you pass as someone who hates authority but loves hummus?
Applicants who fail are redirected to work in Iran’s National Drone Parts Sorting Department, where you get yelled at in four dialects and the coffee is literally powdered resentment.
A former HR agent (Herbalist-turned-Revolutionary) explained the logic:
“Iran’s bureaucracy pays in loyalty. Mossad pays in Bitcoin and sarcasm.”
Campus Recruiting Goes Viral
Students at Sharif University now joke that their engineering final exam included a bonus question:
“If a drone traveling at 120 km/h needs to deliver a package to a nuclear centrifuge within 3 minutes, what’s the escape velocity after your cousin rats you out on Instagram?”
Posters appeared in dorms reading:
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“Do you like science? Do you hate being poor? Do you enjoy explosions?”
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“Join Mossad: We’re hiring. Again.”
An underground Telegram channel known as “SpyTok” has even begun rating agents like Uber drivers:
🕶️ @AgentQom1998 — 4.9 stars
“Brought his own tools. Clean explosion. Would recommend.”
Government Reaction: “It’s Not Betrayal If They Didn’t Say Hello”
The Iranian government initially denied that Mossad was infiltrating the job market. Then they arrested 17 Mossad-linked ‘baristas’ in downtown Tehran who were caught putting Bluetooth chips in cappuccinos.
State TV announced, in a somber voice:
“This is economic warfare disguised as employment. Also, we will now resume our live broadcast of poetry readings under martial law.”
President Ebrahim Raisi commented during Friday prayers:
“No Iranian should work for foreign enemies. Unless you are under 30, own a smartphone, or were denied three straight visas.”
After realizing the youth were not listening, he added:
“Fine. But at least sabotage something useful—like the Ministry of Culture’s website.”
Internal Mossad Memo (Leaked via USB Kebabs)
According to a memo intercepted inside a grilled lamb wrap, Mossad’s strategy includes:
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Deploying “Volunteer Tech Evangelists” to hand out malware disguised as Quran apps
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Embedding recruiters at gym saunas
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Encouraging “accidental drone manufacturing” in high school robotics clubs
One page read:
“Iranians are brilliant, underpaid, and suspicious of their own government. We call this the Espionage Sweet Spot™.”
The Israeli ambassador to “Nowhere Near Here” stated, off the record:
“We didn’t plan to hire this many Iranians. They just kept applying. One guy handed us a resume inside a hollowed-out watermelon.”
Exporting Disillusionment
The rise in espionage employment reflects deeper despair. When asked what motivated him to apply for a Mossad internship, 19-year-old sociology student Amin said:
“Well, I applied to Iran’s National Research Center and they offered me a chair and a warning. Mossad gave me a drone and a mission.”
Meanwhile, Amin’s parents—staunchly patriotic—reportedly believe their son is “in IT.”
According to a local cleric:
“When young men are forced to choose between unemployment and treason, they’ll pick the one that includes a relocation package.”
The Job Fair Nobody Talked About
One Iranian news source (which was later dissolved by fire) reported on a job fair in the hills of northern Tehran. Recruiters wearing reversible keffiyehs stood under a banner reading:
NOW HIRING: Mossad Operations – Be the Change You Want to Explode
Applicants were asked to demonstrate:
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Basic hacking skills
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Ability to run while carrying a coffee grinder (used for cover)
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Familiarity with PowerPoint for debriefs
One booth handed out complimentary spy pens that doubled as flash drives and back scratchers.
Tehran’s Response: Hostile PowerPoint
In a hastily assembled press conference, Tehran’s Ministry of Job Preservation responded with a pie chart showing:
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43% of young Iranians are “probably traitors”
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28% are “possibly cousins of traitors”
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17% are “engineers who looked at a drone once”
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12% are “outside right now getting arrested”
The spokesperson then took no questions and was later hired by Mossad.
The Joke That Became Policy
When Ali Khosravi first joked, “At this point, Mossad has more job openings in Iran than the private sector,” he didn’t realize his line would be quoted in Parliament, tattooed on a protester, and later used as a recruiting slogan by a rogue drone collective.
Now, Khosravi has vanished. Sources say he’s either been arrested, recruited, or turned into a metaphor.
One graffiti spotted on a wall in Isfahan reads:
“Mossad: Because we offer more than a paycheck. We offer purpose. And explosions.”
Public Sentiment: “It’s Not Treason If You’re Bored”
A satirical poll from Iranian comedy site Shab-e-FakeNews asked:
Q: Would you consider working for Mossad if it included healthcare?
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34%: “Yes, but only remote.”
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26%: “No, but I’m asking for a friend.”
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40%: “Already applied. Twice.”
Conclusion: Iran’s Invisible Employers, Now Wearing Mossad Lanyards
As Iran’s economy continues its elegant nosedive and more young people slip through the cracks of sanctioned futility, the question isn’t “Who is spying for Mossad?” but rather:
“Who isn’t?”
The streets are filled with jobless graduates, cafe poets, failed influencers, and overeducated drone repairmen. The true absurdity isn’t espionage. It’s that a foreign intelligence agency is offering more dignity than the Ministry of Youth Affairs.
In the end, it’s not just war or politics. It’s a job offer with better benefits.
Disclaimer:
This satirical piece was written by a rotating committee of failed job applicants, two misunderstood philosophy majors, and one guy who thought Mossad was a new cryptocurrency. No real drones were harmed, but at least one state TV anchor did spill coffee from laughing mid-broadcast.
