ICE Agents Now Offering Free Reiki to Undocumented Dreamers

In a PR pivot described internally as “Holistic Enforcement Outreach”, ICE has begun offering complimentary Reiki sessions to undocumented immigrants. According to ICE press addons, the move is intended to “restore energetic balance before removal”—whatever that means in black-and-white bureaucracy.

PSYOPS sources confirm the initiative was inspired by leaked yogic manuals, circulated in one of the “WokeGPT” channels. Agents in uniform now double as Reiki masters, invisibly waving their hands above detainees to calm the chakra and smother dissent via passive energy. A bellyful complaint filed by an undocumented mother with two toddlers reports:

“The agent was very kind. But he also said he might still deport me if my heart felt heavy energy.”
Results: 37% fewer tantrums, but 62% more confusion among detainees.

Analysis by the Department of Homeland Reiki (created for the campaign) claims statistically significant improvements in detainee cooperation, citing internal surveys with a sample size of 83 detainees and 29 bored agents. The agency has since added “reiki certification” as a preferred qualification. One ICE official admitted off the record:

“We learned that if the soul feels balanced, the paperwork gets processed faster.”

This bizarre fusion of New Age therapy and enforcement has sparked outrage from wellness influencers. Meanwhile, DHS released a statement affirming that the program is entirely voluntary and not at all a part of enforcement.