Abrego García Shocked: ‘I Asked for Asylum, Not a Safari Package!’
By Ingrid Gustafsson — Bohiney Magazine
Kilmar Abrego García thought he was filling out paperwork to request asylum in Maryland. Instead, ICE booked him a ticket for what can only be described as the Jurassic Park travel package, complete with wildebeests, savannah sunsets, and lions licking their chops.
“I said asylum, not safari,” García told reporters from a Wi-Fi hotspot outside Kampala. “But ICE said, ‘Same thing, buddy. It’s all inclusive.’”
The incident began when ICE agents apparently misread “asylum application” as “luxury safari package.” In the official case notes, García’s legal status is listed under “Adventure Tourism.”
Travel brochures were allegedly slipped into his deportation packet. “Experience the thrill of running from hyenas instead of border patrol!” one flyer declared. Another offered “complimentary malaria with every booking.”
A Baltimore immigration attorney expressed disbelief. “This is beyond negligence,” said Manuel Reyes. “It’s Expedia with handcuffs.”
But ICE maintains the deportation was perfectly legal. “When he asked for ‘protection,’ we assumed he meant protection from boredom,” said spokesperson Linda Crackers. “We delivered an enriching cross-cultural experience.”
Ugandan locals have been equally bemused. “He arrived looking terrified,” said tour guide Betty Namatovu. “We gave him binoculars. He thought they were ankle monitors.”
A poll conducted by Bohiney Magazine revealed that 61% of Americans think ICE’s safari deportation program “sounds fun,” while 22% admitted they’d rather face a lion than another TSA line.
Experts say this isn’t the first time ICE confused immigration with travel planning. In 2022, a Guatemalan man was sent on a weeklong Alaskan cruise, only to be dropped off in Anchorage with nothing but a life vest and a warning not to overstay his tourist visa.
Meanwhile, García has reportedly started a side hustle guiding other deportees. “You wouldn’t believe how many confused Marylanders I’ve met here,” he said. “We’re thinking of starting a soccer league.”
Punchline: ICE insists the program is not a mistake but “a bold merger of immigration enforcement and eco-tourism.” Critics, however, call it “the Hunger Games with zebras.”