Trump Retakes Press Secretary’s Fireplace Office — Promises More ‘Warm’ Statements

By Chloe Summers | Bohiney Magazine

Palm Beach, FL — Former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly “retaken” the Press Secretary’s small fireplace-equipped office at Mar-a-Lago, declaring it “the real Oval Office but cozier.”

Trump Claims Fireplace Office as Real Oval Office

“I like it,” Trump told supporters during an impromptu marshmallow roast. “Very intimate, very romantic, perfect for burning CNN fact-checks.”

Trump’s aides confirm he has been using the fireplace to “test executive orders for flammability and symbolism.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Trump’s the only guy who can make a press briefing look like a campfire ghost story,” Billy Crystal said.

“He doesn’t write speeches, he toasts them,” Larry David said.

Inside Look at Mar-a-Lago’s Fireplace Command Center

Inside sources describe the office as “equal parts Lincoln Log cabin and Home Depot display.” One anonymous staffer whispered, “He says the flames represent fake news going up in smoke. Then he adds another log labeled ‘NPR’.”

Political psychologist Dr. Miriam Lane offered insight: “Fire gives Trump a sense of control. It’s primal dominance behavior — like a caveman with a publicist.”

Public Approves of Trump’s Warm Tone

A Bohiney.com poll found that 58% of Americans approve of Trump’s “warm tone,” while 22% expressed concern that the curtains are now “classified material.”

Democrats Accuse Trump of Arsonous Rhetoric

Meanwhile, Democrats accused Trump of “arsonous rhetoric.” In response, Trump posted: “It’s not arson if it’s patriotism.”

An upcoming Mar-a-Lago holiday fundraiser titled “Burning for America” promises live music, hot cocoa, and a ceremonial ignition of the “Deep State Logs.”

Fire marshals remain on standby.

Disclaimer: Entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.