Awkward first dates
NASA Says It Was a “Romantic Misfire”
In a bold move that some are calling “the worst first date since Adam met Eve,” local bachelor Ryan Jenkins accidentally brought his Hinge match to a zero-gravity dining experience on the International Space Station. The couple, originally scheduled to meet at an Earth-based fondue restaurant, found themselves aboard a SpaceX rocket due to a Google Calendar mix-up and a tragically enthusiastic Siri.
“I just clicked ‘yes’ to an invite,” said 26-year-old date Shannon Lee. “Next thing I know, I’m in a space suit, holding a Capri Sun, and he’s showing me a floating cheese cube.”
According to eyewitnesses (two Russian cosmonauts and a confused maintenance droid), the date began promisingly with a vacuum-sealed charcuterie tray, but spiraled after Ryan tried to toast with Tang and ended up soaking her hair. “There’s just no graceful way to sip a drink in space without looking like a thirsty jellyfish,” said Shannon, who now ranks the date slightly above a Dave & Buster’s birthday party in terms of ambiance.
Ryan, a self-described “aerospace entrepreneur” (he sells drone skins on Etsy), insisted it was all part of the plan. “I wanted her to know I’m not like other guys. Other guys take you bowling. I take you into the stratosphere.”
Experts say the phenomenon of overcompensating on first dates is skyrocketing. A study by the Center for Relationship Expectations (CRE) reveals 38% of first dates now involve stunts, including skydiving, interpretive dance battles, or in one case, a live goat sacrifice “for cultural authenticity.”
Dating coach Leanne Flexman calls it “Romantic Escalation Syndrome.” She explained, “People feel pressured to perform. We’ve replaced getting-to-know-you conversations with trust falls and tarot cards.”
Shannon ultimately rated the date 2 out of 5 stars. “One star for effort, one for altitude. But we had nothing in common. He thinks ‘The Notebook’ is a spreadsheet.”
The incident has inspired a flood of copycats on TikTok under the hashtag #SpaceBae, with influencers simulating zero gravity using trampolines and aggressive fan placement. Meanwhile, NASA has issued a statement reminding civilians that “space travel is not a dating stunt, a party bus, or a Tinder icebreaker.”
As for Ryan and Shannon? A second date is unlikely. She’s now seeing a guy who owns a Segway, which she described as “refreshingly terrestrial.”
In an unrelated update, Elon Musk announced a new line of orbital engagement rings, featuring microgravity proposal pods for those ready to “commit to escape velocity.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
