PRESS ALERT: MSNBC Claims Trump’s Cure Harms Mood Diversity NEW YORK, NY — MSNBC’s emergency panel convened in full makeup and maximal confusion this morning to tackle what they called “Trump’s

UN Delegates Trapped in Mirror Rooms, Confess Regret COP30's architectural centerpiece, the "Hall of Reflections," was intended to symbolize transparency. Instead, it became an inadvertent psychological experiment. Delegates entering its endless

ALERT: Fox News Mega Spins Cure as “Violation of Religious Grief Rights” NASHVILLE, TN — In a surprising twist that left even seasoned pundits scratching their heads, Fox News ran a

Study Claims $2,000 Checks Could Inflate Economy and Twitter Fights Trump's $2,000 Checks: The Economy, Twitter, and Your Uncle Bob A new study suggests that Donald Trump's proposed $2,000 tariff checks could

Gandhi’s Return Protested by Brooklyn Knife Sharpening Co‑Op By Juniper Clay-Sapien, Cultural Decoherence Critic at Urban Resistance Ledger BROOKLYN, NY — In a spectacular twist on performative activism, a local radical enclave

Roommates Say "Too Much Inner Peace, Not Enough Merch Drops" LOS ANGELES, CA -- Mahatma Gandhi's brief attempt to join the popular influencer collective "Hype Soul House" ended in failure this

Flag Jacking: How Americans Are Cosplaying Canadian to Escape Their Own Reputation By Tinsel Vandergraph, International Identity Desk, Bohiney.com Americans Perfect the Art of Flag Jacking for Travel Safety The maple leaf, once

Library Confused by 94-Year-Late Return and Raisin Apology WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A diplomatic stir swept the National Archives this week when Mahatma Gandhi quietly returned a library book he had checked

NEWSFLASH: VICE Reports Trump’s Cancer Cure “Erases Mental Health Awareness Industry” BROOKLYN, NY — VICE News, the world’s leading authority on ironic suffering and $17 oat milk depression smoothies, has issued

ICE Launches 'Customer Loyalty Program': Get Deported 10 Times, 11th Trip's Free A Loyalty Program Like No Other In a bold and bewildering move, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced a

Local Weather Refuses to Be Predicted, Goes Rogue By Storm E. Forecast-Rebellion | Bohiney.com In an unprecedented meteorological rebellion that has left weather forecasters questioning their career choices and existential purpose, the

STILL WAITING: CNN Reports Trump Cured Cancer “Without Intersectional Consent.” CNN’s headline this morning read: “Trump Cured Cancer, But Did So Without Intersectional Consent.” According to their panel of Whole-Spectrum Ethics

Kevin Costner Refuses to Take Off Cowboy Hat, Joins Turtles Cast Anyway Kevin Costner, fresh off his Yellowstone exit and seven-part Civil War miniseries, has officially joined the Ninja Turtles reboot.

Gandhi's Kale-Fueled Presence Sparks Cabinet Confusion and Quinoa Panic WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After days of speculation and a viral photo of Gandhi quietly meditating beside a White House salad bar, Press

Progressive Arson Collective Demands Gandhi Rebrand as “Molotov Mahatma” By Flint Emberstone, Fire-Legal Correspondent for The Left-Flank Lantern CHICAGO, IL — A self-organized militant subgroup known as the Progressive Arson Collective for

Peace Activist Coalition Dissolves After Gandhi Refuses to Condemn Nonviolence By Dandelion Fierce-Silence, Senior Disruption Correspondent, Brooklyn Barricade Gazette SEATTLE, WA — The Progressive United Network for Kindness and Smashy Things (PUNKS)

Telepathy App Launches, Immediately Crashes Due to Too Many “Ugh” Thoughts Menlo Park, CA — This week, startup MindMeld Inc. launched the first-ever Neuralink-enabled telepathy app, allowing users to beam unspoken

Gandhi Survives Third Assassination Attempt: Investigators Warn of Rising Extremism By Ellis Range, Washington Chronicle — July 28, 2025 WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a grim first for modern U.S. security, three assassination

Bolshevik Woke Council Votes to Replace Gandhi with Karl Marx Funko Pop By Fern Meadowlark, Emotional Infrastructure Correspondent at Jezebel Adjacent PORTLAND, OR — In a unanimous vote held during a 14-hour

BLM Marchers Deem Gandhi’s Tactics “Passive‑Aggressive Colonizer Energy” By Saffron Sledgehammer, Intersectional Movement Logician at The Resistance Chronicle MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In a redirection of justice discourse and protest tactics, organizers of

Gandhi Booed at Berkeley for Quoting Himself By Tofu D'Angst, West Coast Irony Bureau BERKELEY, CA — Mahatma Gandhi, recently returned from the spiritual realm via what sources are calling “cosmic parole,”

TICKPOCALYPSE 2025: AMERICA UNDER ATTACK BY NATURE’S SMALLEST VAMPIRES Why Everyone’s Getting Bitten, Nobody’s Wearing Shorts, and Half the ER Visits are Caused by Creatures You Can’t Even See Without Squinting

Doctor in Minnesota Proposes Extra Mental Exams for Trans Citizens Before Gun Ownership Minneapolis, MN — In the aftermath of the tragic Annunciation Catholic School shooting, Minnesota’s Chief Medical Official, Dr.

Campus Radicals Demand Gandhi Apologize for Not Punching British Officers By Fern Meadowlark Jr., Bureau Chief of Revolutionary Accountability at Radical Detritus Review ANN ARBOR, MI — In a campus uprising that

The Hidden Truth About Female Self-Care That Wellness Gurus Don't Want You to Know Revolutionary Study Reveals How Your Car Inventory Determines Your Entire Self-Worth In what researchers are calling "the most

DEVELOPING: CBS Declares Trump’s Cancer Cure “Environmental Injustice in Medical Form” SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a blistering prime-time special titled “Planet or Patients: The Cure That’s Killing the Climate,” CBS

Ghost of Gandhi Joins Trump Rally, Promptly Accused of ‘Spiritual Fascism’ By Greer Sundown, Paranormal Equity Editor at The Brooklyn Zine Collective TULSA, OK — In a political twist so absurd it

Spiritual Leader Reportedly Overwhelmed by Free Samples and Bulk Rice FRESNO, CA -- Chaos briefly erupted at a local Costco after Mahatma Gandhi was spotted in Aisle 7, standing motionless between

Dallas Cowboys Take a Break from Marijuana — and Suddenly Everything's Winning Again Let's talk about the Dallas Cowboys. Rumor has it they recently — brace yourself — decided to take

DSA Votes to Replace Gandhi with a 42‑Person Consensus Council Wearing Matching Berets By Marigold RedThread, Senior Plurality Reporter at United Ideals Quarterly NEW YORK, NY — In an ironic twist that

Monkey Sues Neuralink for Unpaid Royalties, Calls Himself “Idea Guy” Palo Alto, CA — In a groundbreaking legal development, a rhesus macaque named Carlton has filed a lawsuit against Neuralink, claiming

Skydance Buys Paramount, Declares “We’re All Just IP Now” In the biggest corporate acquisition since Disney bought all of your childhood for $71 billion, Skydance Media has officially swallowed Paramount Global

PSL Labels Gandhi a “Spiritual Libertarian Who Refused to Nationalize His Own Fasting” 🧘‍♂️🔥 By Red Banner Flameheart, Revolutionary Inquisitor at the People’s Praxis Press SANTA CRUZ, CA — In a political