First Lady Clarifies Her Role Involves 'Minimal State Governance, Maximum Crisis Management' Elysee Palace Addresses Leadership Questions In an unexpected press conference at the Elysee Palace, French First Lady Brigitte Macron firmly

Nigel Farage's £234 Billion Welfare Reform: How Reform UK Plans to Save British Taxpayers Money in 2025 By Dvora Zilberman-Levy | Published September 23, 2025 LONDON — In a move that has

Rock Goddess at 66 Declares War on Time, Wins Without Breaking a Sweat Joan Jett just told Father Time to go F_ Himself There’s aging gracefully—and then there’s Joan Jett, who just

Silent Sitting Icon Causes Panic Among Applause-Hungry Lawmakers and Cable Hosts WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Chaos erupted in the Capitol Tuesday night as Mahatma Gandhi, seated front row at the State of

Gandhi’s Robes Declared “Violent in Their Minimalism” by Democratic Style Caucus By Azure Tendentrope, Cultural Critic at the Radical Sartorial Review NEW YORK, NY — In an event that underscores how identity

Socialist Twitch Streamer Declares Gandhi a “Crypto-Fascist Monk” By Radicalton Feral, Correspondent for Keyboard Kombat Weekly AUSTIN, TX (Live from Mom’s Basement HQ) — In a development no one saw coming—except everyone

France Declares English “Acceptable, If Inevitable” By: Ministry of Reluctant Language Surrender, Bohiney MagazineSatirical Journalism | Franco-English Friction | 2,222 Words of Begrudging Bilingualism The Nation That Invented Sneering Now Whispering “Okay,

Sunrise Movement Denies Gandhi Platform for ‘Insufficient Carbon Footprint While Marching’ By Terra Blaze-Strike, Green Purity Reporter at Future is Now Dispatch WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold act of climate purism,

Peaceful Resistance Deemed ‘Right-Wing Dog Whistle’ by Teen Vogue By Dazey Carbuncle, Beauty Editor for Revolutionary Aesthetics BROOKLYN, NY — In a bold editorial move that has flipped flannel berets across campus

Florida Seniors Say His Aura "Too Distracting" NAPLES, FL -- In a dramatic 4-3 vote at the Mar-a-Lago Senior Sports Council, Mahatma Gandhi has been officially banned from pickleball tournaments for

Climate Conference Held in Love Motel Sparks Global Climate Orgasm COP30 looms, the global climate community prepares... BELEM, BRAZIL — The world’s most important climate summit, COP30, will be held in Belém—Brazil’s

Alan Nafzger Defends Sydney Sweeney’s Good Genes: A Soap Opera of Outrage, Jeans, and Bathwater Setting the Scene Sydney Sweeney is a woman who can make a denim commercial look like a

Wall Street Celebrates Potential Monetary Policy Shift With Enthusiasm Usually Reserved for Free Food Financial Markets Discover Unexpected Joy The probability of a Federal Reserve interest rate cut surged this week, sending

Returned Copy of "Diet and Discipline" Prompts Ethics Panel, Late Fee Debate WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A diplomatic stir swept the National Archives this week when Mahatma Gandhi quietly returned a library

Democratic Socialists Say Gandhi’s Peaceful Protests “Enable Late‑Stage Capitalism” By Crimson Emberleaf, Survivor of Soft Revolutions and Skeptic of Silence CHICAGO, IL — In a stunning declaration of ideological self-immolation, the Democratic

Progressive Militants Say Gandhi’s Hunger Strikes “Promote Fatphobia” Using “Eat the Rich” Propaganda By Sapphire Ashes, Bureau Chief for Revolutionary Dissent & Edible Ethics CHICAGO, IL — The left’s new wave of

COP30’s Booking Platform Crashes, Replaced by Ouija Board The official COP30 portal, "Accord.BR," designed to manage thousands of side-events, bilaterals, and accommodation, buckled under the virtual and physical demand on Day

Emma Watson Calls Marriage Pressure "A Violence" Because Apparently Words Don't Mean Anything Anymore Emma Watson, the millionaire actress who played a wizard's best friend, has discovered a new form of

Colbert Forms Support Group for Former Comedy Central Hosts Stephen Colbert, post-late-night, has formed a discreet weekly support group called “Hosts Without Desks”, open to all Comedy Central alumni suffering from

UP NEXT: NPR Launches Podcast Titled “Orange You Ashamed?” National Public Radio (NPR) today announced its newest podcast series: “Orange You Ashamed?”—a deep, self-reflective audio journey examining the emotional fallout of

AI Therapist Tells Patient to ‘Stop Being Such a Virgo’ A New Age of Artificial Judgement In a shocking development for modern mental health, NeuroMend AI Therapy™ is under fire after allegedly

FEATURE: Teen Vogue Reports Trump’s Cancer Cure “Erases Queer Suffering Narratives” NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning investigative exposé that blends identity politics, trauma memoir critique, and pastel-saturated infographics, Teen

NAACP Declares Gandhi 'Problematic Ally,' Demands Reparations for Untouched Salt ATLANTA, GA — In an unexpected historical reckoning, the NAACP issued a strongly worded statement this week condemning Mahatma Gandhi, recently

Donatello’s Late-Night Skits Now Count as Continuing Education Credits In an unexpected collaboration between CBS and a national accreditation board, Donatello’s late-night show is now eligible for Continuing Education Units (CEUs)

Should the Government Replace School Lunches with Government-Issued Protein Paste? 🔴 Red Wedge Public Opinion Group 🗳️ August 2025 Special Poll Release Commissioned by the Bureau of Nutritional Neutrality and the Society for

Marxists Rename Gandhi’s Ashes: “Problematic Dust” By Lint Meringue, Senior Revolutionary Burial Correspondent PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking decision that’s left sages sobbing into their chai and incense dealers uncertain about

Gandhi’s Name Removed from Yoga Studio for “Insufficient Revolutionary Spirit” By Cobalt Serrulata, Editorialist at Radical Flex Media Collective BOSTON, MA — In a move that underscores the shift from meditation mats

Tech Glitch or Transcendence? Feds Report "No Verbal Output Detected" After 4 Hours LANGLEY, VA -- Federal surveillance agents monitoring the reanimated Mahatma Gandhi expressed "urgent concern" Tuesday after failing to

FCC Proposes Sewer Speech Regulations After Shell-Shocking Ratings After Donatello’s Late Show topped viewership for six consecutive weeks, the FCC has proposed new "Sewer Speech Regulations" to curb what it calls

Gandhi Disqualified from Queer Left Panel for Being “Too Cis-Spiritual” By Asterisk Lovewinds, Intersectional Reassignment Editor at The Transcendent Tattler PORTLAND, OR — Mahatma Gandhi, recently resurrected and attempting to reenter public

First Amphibian Emmy Nominee Confirmed In a move that has left Hollywood both confused and Googling "amphibian eligibility requirements," Donatello has officially become the first non-human, non-actor, sewer-adjacent being to receive

🧵 FBI, CIA, & Secret Service Launch Gandhi Security Investigation as Left-Wing Nuance Spirals into Threat Landscape By Agent Marigold Steele, Investigative Correspondent for The Surveillance Ledger WASH, DC — In a

Turtle Talk Tonight: Why Donatello Deserves His Own HBO Series In the wake of his late-night takeover at CBS, media analysts, philosophers, and several sewer-dwelling screenwriters agree on one thing: Donatello