Board Cites “Disruptive Serenity” and Unauthorized Bird-Feeding
SCOTTSDALE, AZ — A local homeowners association (HOA) has officially barred Mahatma Gandhi from attending future community meetings after what board members described as a “pattern of disruptive serenity and repeated violations of passive landscaping protocols.”
According to meeting minutes, the trouble began when Gandhi brought a bowl of seeds to share with local sparrows during a heated debate over mailbox uniformity. “The birds didn’t vote, but they changed the vibe,” said HOA president Cheryl Mantling. “This is not a sanctuary–it’s a cul-de-sac.”
Gandhi also reportedly refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flagpole Maintenance Budget, instead remaining seated in a lotus position and humming what several attendees described as “existential disapproval.”
“Every time we tried to fine him, he offered us a fig,” said HOA treasurer Brent Gallow. “A literal fig. He’s weaponizing fruit-based diplomacy.”
Several residents expressed concern over Gandhi’s “illegal use of natural peace” to sway votes. “He just looks at you, and suddenly your anger feels like a sitcom subplot,” said neighbor Denise Crumbly. “I almost agreed to let him keep his solar prayer lanterns. Almost.”
The HOA has since updated its bylaws to explicitly ban “unlicensed tranquility,” “non-verbal protests,” and “any acts of moral elevation that affect quorum.”
Gandhi declined to speak at the appeal hearing, instead offering a handwritten poem about shared driveways and metaphysical mulch. The board ruled against him unanimously.
He has since relocated to a nearby treehouse, where neighbors report he holds nightly meetings with squirrels, doves, and one conflicted Labradoodle named Kevin.
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