Supreme Court Greenlights Deportation to ‘Third Countries’ – Guatemalan Sent to Greenland by Accident

Filed from Nuuk, Djibouti, and an unlicensed global positioning van in El Paso

By: The World’s Oldest Tenured Professor and a Philosophy Major Turned Dairy Farmer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Supreme Court’s latest ruling has cleared the runway for the Trump administration’s “Third Country Deportation Policy,” allowing migrants to be removed not to their homeland, but to “any country that promises not to be too weird about it.”

Within 24 hours of the ruling, ICE mistakenly deported Juan Sebastián Ortega, a 28-year-old Guatemalan corn farmer, to Greenland, citing “a typo, a loose fax machine, and a desire to test parka durability.”

“I asked where I was going,” Ortega said, speaking through a translator. “They said, ‘somewhere peaceful.’ Next thing I know, I’m on a sled with no dogs and one Danish librarian.”

Greenland’s immigration office was reportedly “mildly shocked but too polite to say no.”

Comedian Lines

“We used to deport people to their country of origin. Now we’re just spinning a globe and hoping it’s not water.” — Jon Stewart
“This isn’t immigration enforcement, it’s international bingo.” — Wanda Sykes
“ICE sent a man from Guatemala to Greenland. That’s not deportation, that’s a weather-related hate crime.” — Amy Schumer
“If Trump had a board game, this would be the first move: ‘Draw a Deportation Card, Spin for Climate Trauma.’” — Ron White
“Next week, they’re deporting Canadians to the moon because it’s ‘north-ish.’” — Chris Rock

What the Ruling Means: Deportee Roulette Is Now Law

In a 6-3 unsigned ruling, the conservative majority paused a lower court decision that previously required hearings for migrants fearing torture or persecution. The justices cited national security, executive authority, and “the ancient legal doctrine of shrugging.”

“It’s constitutional,” said Justice Gorsuch, sipping tea brewed from Article II. “If the country takes them and doesn’t immediately shoot them, it counts.”

Justice Sotomayor’s dissent noted that Greenland “isn’t exactly equipped for Spanish-speaking agricultural workers.”

“Juan doesn’t need ice sheets and narwhals,” she wrote. “He needs legal representation and maybe a jacket.”

Justice Jackson added, “This ruling is immigration policy written by darts.”

ICE’s Official Policy: “Find a Country. Any Country.”

Internal documents leaked to SpinTaxi show the updated ICE deportation rubric:

• Is the country technically on Earth? ✅

• Does it have at least one airport and/or landing strip? ✅

• Will their prime minister answer our calls? ✅

• Do they know what they’re signing? 🤷‍♀️

• Bonus if they’ve never heard of “asylum.”

In one ICE training video, an officer describes deportation as “geo-shuffling the population for balance and morale.”

“It’s like Pokémon,” said ICE agent Randy Flett. “You gotta move ‘em all.”

The Greenland Incident: One Man, One Mistake, Infinite Frostbite

Ortega, whose asylum case was pending, was mistakenly listed under “GRL” — ICE’s code for Greenland — instead of “GTM” for Guatemala.

“It was right there on the manifest,” said ICE logistics officer Dana “Deporty” Thompson. “GR-something. Close enough. Letters are hard.”

Upon arrival, Ortega was issued a coat made of reindeer fur, a Danish survival pamphlet, and a gift certificate to the Nuuk Museum of Ice Sculpting.

“I’m just cold,” he whispered, standing beside a whale skeleton. “Even my nightmares are wearing mittens.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“If ICE had a Yelp rating, it would be ‘Arrived early, misplaced me continentally, 2 stars.’” — Kevin Hart
“I thought Trump’s immigration plan was dumb, but this is next-level. Greenland doesn’t even want people. It wants whales and silence.” — Trevor Noah
“I once booked a flight to Paris, Texas by mistake. But at least that didn’t violate human rights.” — Sarah Silverman
“Ortega’s case is proof our immigration system is held together by duct tape and printer ink.” — Bill Burr
“They sent a Guatemalan farmer to a glacier and said, ‘Good luck, buddy.’ That’s deportation by astrology.” — Ali Wong

1% Absurdity: Greenland Accepts Three More by Mistake

Sources confirm that ICE mistakenly delivered three more migrants to Greenland last night, one of whom was from Senegal, one from Nepal, and one from Schenectady, New York.

“I’m not even undocumented,” said Karen Bloomfield. “I just forgot my ID during a protest.”

Greenland’s minister of foreign affairs, Sten Borg-Hansen, released a statement:

“We were unaware this was happening. We thought it was a tourism pilot program. Also, we don’t have roads.”

They are currently housing the arrivals in an unused fish processing plant, heated only by shared disappointment.

Polls Reveal: Public Is Both Horrified and Hysterical

A Reuters/Icebreaker poll shows:

• 61% of Americans were unaware that “third country deportation” included “literally anyone but here.”

• 24% thought Greenland was fake.

• 8% thought ICE was a reality show.

• 3% said “as long as it’s not their neighborhood, they’re cool with it.”

When shown photos of Ortega in snowshoes, 92% said “That ain’t right.” The other 8% were watching Yellowstone.

Congress Reacts: With Exasperation and Incoherence

Sen. Bernie Sanders:

“We cannot deport human beings to penguin territory. That is not what justice looks like.”

Rep. Lauren Boebert:

“If Greenland takes our illegals, maybe Antarctica will take our libs.”

Sen. Josh Hawley:

“We need deportation, not detonation. No, wait. Scratch that. Reverse it.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

“The cruelty is not the point. The randomness is.”

MORE NEWS:

• ICE Mistakenly Sends Asylum Seeker to Iceland, Calls It “Close Enough”

• Supreme Court Replaces Due Process with Google Maps

• Greenland Demands Thermals, Gets Migrants

• Deportee Starts Snow Plow Business, Becomes Folk Hero

• Trump Proposes “Immigration Spinoff Game Show: Wheel of Destinations”

• Supreme Court Majority Says “If They Survive, It’s Legal”

Disclaimer: This article was compiled by two snow-shocked writers — one who’s never seen a map, the other who thinks Greenland is a salad chain. No penguins were deported during the making of this article, but a few were deeply offended.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.