LAPD Deploys Drones to Arrest People Who Say They’re “In Between Projects”
Los Angeles’ new drone squad enforces emotional employment honesty. LAPD, drones, unemployment, Los Angeles satire, tech policing
LOS ANGELES — In an ambitious attempt to regulate the city’s most evasive demographic — the “creatively unemployed” — LAPD has launched a drone-based task force to confront those who claim to be “in between projects.” Officially named Project HoverHire™, the program equips drones with facial recognition, sarcasm sensors, and resume-verification lasers. The moment a person mutters, “I’m between gigs,” the drones swoop down and ask for LinkedIn receipts.
“We’re not arresting people,” insisted LAPD spokesman Todd Withers, “we’re offering them the gift of clarity and a taxpayer-funded career coach.” Drones also distribute free copies of ‘What Color is Your Parachute?’ along with microdoses of humility.
Venice Beach saw the first arrest, when a shirtless screenwriter told a Bumble date he was ‘consulting on a script about dolphins with PTSD.’ The drone demanded proof. When he produced only a vape pen and three unpaid parking tickets, he was issued a citation for Emotional Misdirection, a new misdemeanor codified by the city council’s Committee on Vibes.
What the Funny People Are Saying: “I love that drones are finally doing what my mom has done for years: ask when I’m getting a real job.” — Ron White
“If you say ‘I’m manifesting success,’ these drones play Dave Ramsey podcasts until you give up.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My drone therapist says I should stop blaming the economy and just monetize my truth.” — Amy Schumer
Meanwhile, gig workers in Silver Lake are reportedly camouflaging themselves in vintage flannel and pretending to be baristas just to avoid detection. One man even printed fake W-2s showing his employer as “The Universe.”
City Hall insists this is part of a broader initiative called “Operation Get Real.” The mayor’s office is exploring further programs, including a hologram of Gary Vaynerchuk that appears every time someone says, “I’m taking a sabbatical.”
According to fake but spiritually accurate statistics, 73% of Angelinos who say “I’m freelancing” are actually just reorganizing their crystal collections and watching Criterion Channel documentaries they don’t understand.
BREAKING NEWS:
• Drones Confuse Yoga Instructor With Unemployed Clown
• Resume Linked to Astrological Chart, Horoscopes Now Legally Binding
• Venice Airbnb Raided for Housing “Freelancers” with Zero Clients
• LAPD Deploys Emotional Support Robots with Passive-Aggressive Prompts
• LA Jury Acquits Man Who Identifies as “Professionally Between Lives”
DISCLAIMER: This story was edited for tone by a drone with an MFA. All quotes spiritually verified by a kombucha sommelier. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
IMAGE GALLERY
