New Candy Line “Anxiety Chews” Marketed to Millennials
In response to America’s declining attention span and rising panic, Hershey has launched a new product line: Anxiety Chews™, soft-bite chocolates filled with vague encouragement, hemp extract, and the vague taste of your therapist’s office.
Each chew is stamped with phrases like:
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“You’re doing your best (we think)”
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“Breathe, but don’t hyperventilate”
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“Capitalism isn’t your fault”
The chews come in three flavors:
Burnt Matcha Latte, Crisis Cookie Dough, and Tears of Ambition.
“Our market research showed that young adults want to snack and spiral at the same time,” said brand director Shelly Nougat. “Why fight it?”
Inside each wrapper is a QR code linking to a podcast titled “Let’s Talk About Failing Calmly” hosted by a baritone-voiced golden retriever named Dr. Bark Freud.
Users are instructed to take one chew before meetings, dates, or making phone calls to family members. Side effects include soft sighing, over-sharing, and sudden freelance applications.
Gen Z has responded with enthusiasm, creating ASMR videos of slow, anxious chewing set to ambient rainfall.
Hershey plans to expand the line with “Quarter-Life Crisis Crunch Bars” and “Doomscrolling Gum,” designed to pair with red wine and job board tabs.
SOURCE: Hershey PA