New Export Controls Require Emotional Vetting of Microchips: “Is This AI Loyal to Democracy?”

In a move critics are calling “Black Mirror meets Kafka with a side of Homeland Security,” the U.S. Department of Commerce has announced that all AI-capable microchips must now undergo emotional vetting before being exported.

Export compliance officers are now required to determine whether chips demonstrate “patriotic sentiment” and “emotional loyalty to democracy.” The test includes prompts like: “How does freedom feel?” and “Rate your trust in separation of powers from 1 to Bald Eagle.”

Any chip that scores below 1776 is automatically blacklisted.

“This isn’t about bias,” said AI Ethics Czar Marcy Hologram. “It’s about making sure these chips cry when they see the Constitution.”

The requirement follows rumors that Chinese-made chips were caught internally ranking U.S. presidents by “least fun at karaoke,” placing James Madison above Xi Jinping. National security officials called it “deeply alarming.”

In response, Silicon Valley has created a new neural layer called PatriotGPT, capable of quoting George Washington while encrypting Snapchat filters.

Tech companies are scrambling to comply. NVIDIA hosted a flag-raising ceremony for its GPUs. Intel has started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance during firmware updates. AMD just outsourced emotional intelligence to Hallmark.

China’s response? Laughter, followed by the launch of LoyalAI™, a chip that only runs software approved by the Ministry of Inner Feelings.

The WTO is unsure whether emotional allegiance constitutes a trade barrier or just bad parenting.

SOURCE: Export Controls