OBITUARY PAGE

“RIP to Kevin’s Career in Crypto: Survived by His Hoodie Collection and Three Ring Lights”

Published by Bohiney.com – A satirical news outlet certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion and 212% more realistic than Kevin’s blockchain projections.

It is with heavy sarcasm and zero liquidity that we mourn the passing of Kevin Davidson’s crypto career, which tragically collapsed at 3:14 a.m. last Thursday following a sudden and violent pump-and-dump maneuver.

Kevin’s crypto empire, once valued at an imaginary $3.8 million (or $26.57 after taxes), is survived by:

• His beloved collection of drawstring hoodies (all unwashed, all branded)

• A Discord server called “Diamond Hands 4 Life (NSFW)”

• Three ring lights, two of which were used for livestreaming poorly-researched altcoin advice

• And one unopened bottle of Soylent, now fermenting in his garage studio.

Kevin’s passing is not physical — he’s alive and well, eating discount sushi in a WeWork lobby. But professionally? He’s six feet under the blockchain.

A Career Mined, Minted, and Marginalized

Kevin’s journey began like most crypto legends: with a Joe Rogan podcast, a YouTube comment thread, and an unhealthy amount of Reddit exposure. After being rejected by Goldman Sachs and the Apple Genius Bar in the same week, he declared himself “financially woke” and poured his student loan forgiveness into Dogecoin.

Early investors recall Kevin’s enthusiasm:

“He said we’d all be rich by 2022 and never work again,” said his mother, Cheryl Davidson. “So I quit my job at PetSmart. We now rent a storage unit from a man named Kyle who accepts payment in expired Chuck E. Cheese tokens.”

Kevin’s startup portfolio included:

• CoinCoin (a cryptocurrency for birdwatchers)

• NFTaxidermy (digital recreations of roadkill in pixel art)

• CryptoTherapist.io (AI therapy for people grieving crypto losses)

All ventures are now offline. Except for CoinCoin, which is technically still alive in Belarus.

The Wake: Held in a VR Chat Room

Kevin’s career funeral was held on Decentraland, where 14 avatars gathered to pour out virtual energy drinks and dance in pixelated grief. One avatar, dressed as Elon Musk holding a flame thrower, played Taps on a melodica while Kevin’s Bitmoji glitched in solemn tribute.

Attendees included:

• Several incels from Twitter Spaces

• One AI bot pretending to be Kevin’s ex

• A teen mining crypto on his mom’s Peloton

• And an NFT giraffe named Todd

The ceremony ended when someone accidentally triggered a metaverse fireworks protocol, causing the server to crash. Fitting.

What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White: “Crypto was supposed to be the new gold. Kevin treated it like it was Chuck E. Cheese tickets with cocaine.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with Dogecoin? It’s like Monopoly money if Monopoly got canceled halfway through the game.”

Sarah Silverman: “Kevin’s NFTs were so ugly I thought they were crime scene evidence. RIP, bro.”

Jackie Mason (spiritually): “This boy thought digital beanie babies were an investment? Oy vey.”

Eyewitness Accounts

Barry (Kevin’s roommate):

“I knew it was over when he started trying to pay rent in Shiba Inu. Our landlord just blinked and said, ‘Is that a dog or a currency?’”

Marissa (his ex-girlfriend turned OnlyFans mogul):

“Kevin once said crypto was ‘our retirement plan.’ Now he lives in my comments section. I charge $5.99 for read receipts.”

Jake (former business partner):

“We had a pitch deck made entirely in MS Paint. In hindsight, maybe that was a red flag.”

Public Opinion Poll (by accident during a Reddit flame war):

• 31% believe Kevin was a visionary, just “too early for the space.”

• 42% think Kevin got rugged harder than a desert camel.

• 27% simply replied “L” with no explanation.

A Timeline of Collapse

• 2017: Kevin hears about Ethereum at a CrossFit mixer. Googles “crypto” and ends up watching a 4-hour Joe Rogan episode with no subtitles. Buys in.

• 2018: Launches CryptoCon, a convention in a rented Arby’s parking lot. Five people show up. Three are his cousins.

• 2019: Starts podcast Bitcoin & Broccoli, which has 12 episodes and 14 cease-and-desist letters.

• 2020: Claims he “called” the pandemic as a market disruption. Accidentally buys a ton of toilet paper coin.

• 2021: Peaks. Wears AirPods to Thanksgiving. Tells his family he’s “too sovereign” for a W-2.

• 2022: Market crashes. Kevin blames the moon.

• 2023: Opens OnlyCryptoFans, where he live streams his Coinbase logins. Only subscribers are bots.

• 2024: Hired briefly by a “decentralized McDonald’s DAO.” Fired for over-promising fries on the blockchain.

• 2025: Career dies. Airdrops resume.

Crypto Definitions (So Kevin’s Aunt Can Understand)

• Blockchain: A buzzword that ends conversations at dinner.

• NFT: A JPEG you can’t afford that looks like a raccoon did psychedelics.

• Altcoin: The currency equivalent of eating gas station sushi after midnight.

• Gas Fees: That thing that makes you scream “WHY?” at your MetaMask wallet every Thursday.

Funny Evidence of Collapse

• Physical Evidence: The apartment now houses 11 unopened crypto mining rigs and a bitcoin pillow soaked in Monster Energy.

• Digital Evidence: His TikTok “investment advice” now serves as cautionary memes on Gen Z finance channels.

• Relationship Evidence: His girlfriend left after he tried to tokenize their relationship contract using an NFT ring that crashed mid-proposal.

• Scientific Evidence: A 2024 MIT study found Kevin’s tweets could be used to detect crypto crashes 48 hours in advance.

• Emotional Evidence: He screamed “This is just FUD!” in his sleep. For eight months straight.

Cause of Death:

Official cause: Market correction.
Unofficial cause: Extreme delusion combined with overexposure to Reddit finance threads and the phrase “We’re early.”

His GoFundMe for “Post-Crypto Career Rebirth” raised $7.38 — all from his mom.

Satirical Sources:

• Kevin’s Startup Pitch Rejected After Using “Decentralized” 37 Times in One Sentence

• Crypto Bro Attempts to Pay IRS in Dogecoin, Arrested at Farmer’s Market

• NFT of Kevin’s Career Sells for $1.29 and a Coupon for Bone Broth

• Ring Light Vigil Held for Fallen Influencer After Solana Dips Below Sadness Threshold

• Mom Confirms Kevin “Was Always Into Pyramids,” Thought It Meant Geometry, Not Scheme

Final Words

Kevin’s crypto career, while brief and delusional, will not be remembered fondly. But it will be remembered.

Especially by:

• His landlord (still unpaid),

• His exes (still blocked),

• And the blockchain, which never forgets.

In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to send Kevin positive vibes, job listings, and maybe a cold shower.

May his Wi-Fi stay strong, and may his digital wallet finally log out.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.