Proud Boys Call for Super Bowl Boycott, Say Boston and Seattle “Proof Liberalism Comes With a Service Fee”
PB Says “Boston vs. Seattle: Who Cares?”
A regional cluster of men who own more flag apparel than actual flags announced a patriotic boycott of this year’s Super Bowl, citing what they call the “complete civic collapse” of Boston and Seattle. The decision was made after a three-hour strategy meeting at a sports bar where no one could remember the WiFi password but everyone agreed cities with bookstores are suspicious.
Chapter spokesperson Kyle “Constitution Hoodie” Riggins read from a printed Facebook post he described as “basically research.”
“We cannot support an event spiritually linked to Boston and Seattle,” Riggins declared. “One city runs on taxes and opinions, the other runs on feelings and oat milk. That is not the America the Founding Fathers squinted at.”
A fake but very confident poll conducted by the Heartland Institute for Vibes found 72.3 percent of respondents believe any city with reliable public transit is “trying something.”
Boston: 10 “Miracles of Modern Liberal Governance” (According to Its Critics)
The group’s official grievance list against Boston was 19 pages long and smelled faintly of Dunkin’.
First on the list was “excessive education.” Members said they are uncomfortable in a city where even the pigeons look like adjunct professors.
Dr. Leland P. Wexford, Senior Fellow at the American Center for Common Sense Studies and Boat Ownership, explained the tension.
“Boston is deeply threatening to people who think Wikipedia is witchcraft,” he said. “It is a place where cab drivers have opinions about trade policy.”
An eyewitness from the boycott rally backed this up.
“I asked a guy for directions in Boston and he used the word ‘historically,'” said Todd from a town that legally exists inside a Bass Pro Shop. “Sir, I just need parking, not the War of 1812.”
Housing That Requires a Trust Fund and a Time Machine
Boston built so many rules around development that building a duplex now requires 14 permits, a neighborhood blessing ceremony, and emotional closure from a 19th-century brick wall. Result: teachers commute from Rhode Island.
Public Transit That Runs on Hope and Track Maintenance Delays
The T is a beloved historical artifact that occasionally transports people. Riders enjoy scenic stops between stations while crews investigate why gravity keeps winning.
College Town Economy Where Students Can’t Afford the Town
Boston has 97 universities and approximately six apartments. A freshman with a lava lamp is technically a real estate mogul.
Progressive Policing Debates, Uneven Street-Level Results
Big conversations, task forces, panels, reforms. Meanwhile, residents still play nightly games of “Firework or Something Else?”
Homelessness Managed with Committees
Boston forms excellent advisory boards. Tents remain unimpressed.
Taxes That Feel Like a Group Project You Didn’t Sign Up For
Property owners pay for services, studies, redesigns, re-studies, and a consultant to explain the first consultant.
Bike Lanes That Inspire Strong Feelings in All Directions
Drivers furious. Cyclists terrified. Pedestrians confused. Urban planning achieved emotional diversity.
Bureaucracy That Could Outlast the Red Sox Curse
Getting a permit in Boston requires paperwork, patience, and a will notarized in triplicate.
Public Meetings That Last Longer Than the American Revolution
Nothing says efficient governance like a 4-hour debate over shrub height.
They further condemned Boston’s public meetings, claiming they last “longer than the Revolutionary War and with more paperwork.”
An anonymous city staffer responded calmly. “We have been called worse by people who think town halls are a Marvel villain.”
Moral Superiority Exported by the Ton
Boston does not just have opinions. It has historically peer-reviewed opinions.
The Proud Boys also cited Boston’s “championship privilege.” According to their report, winning too many sports titles creates “coastal arrogance” and “statistically verified smugness.”
A man wearing three different team jerseys at once told reporters, “In Boston even the babies are born knowing batting averages. That is indoctrination.”
Seattle: 10 “Achievements of Rainy-Day Progressivism” (As Told by Grumpy Comment Sections)
If Boston is guilty of thinking too much, Seattle is accused of feeling too much.
The boycott manifesto describes Seattle as “a damp experiment where introverts formed a government and then apologized for it.”
Chief complaint: the weather. Riggins said, “No real American city should look like the sky is buffering.”
Dr. Wexford explained, “Seattle’s biggest crime is having emotional awareness and good coffee. That can be destabilizing.”
A local Seattle resident interviewed while waiting in line for ethically complicated toast seemed confused.
“I thought football was the thing with the yelling,” she said. “Are we being blamed for clouds now?”
Housing Prices Powered by Tech Salaries and Zoning Poetry
Seattle tried to protect neighborhood character. The character now lives in Spokane.
Homelessness Policy That Reads Great and Works… Eventually… Maybe
Plans, pilots, partnerships. Meanwhile, tents achieve historic landmark status.
Public Safety Debates That Became a Lifestyle
Seattle held deep philosophical discussions about policing. Criminals did not attend the meetings.
Drug Policy That Accidentally Became Urban Camping DLC
Compassion is admirable. So is not stepping on a needle at the bus stop.
Transit Projects That Move at the Speed of Environmental Review
By the time a rail line opens, the people it was built for have moved to Idaho.
Coffee Shops Per Capita Higher Than Police Per Capita
You can get a lavender oat foam cortado at 2 AM. Reporting a car break-in may require a calendar invite.
Tech Wealth Next to Tent Cities
Nothing says “modern policy challenge” like a billion-dollar headquarters overlooking a tarp city.
The group also criticized Seattle’s tech wealth next to visible homelessness, calling it “proof liberal math does not add up.” They did not propose a solution but agreed strongly that someone else should.
One protester described downtown Seattle as “a place where you can buy a $9 mushroom latte but your car window has trust issues.”
Regulation So Detailed It Needs Its Own Regulation
Seattle can tell you the carbon footprint of your sandwich but not why downtown feels like a sociology experiment.
Activism That Outpaces Execution
Marches: world-class. Implementation: still in beta.
Weather That Makes Every Problem Feel Existential
It is hard to solve civic issues when the sky itself looks like it needs therapy.
They also objected to bike lanes, describing them as “passive-aggressive pavement.”
An anonymous city worker responded with professional serenity. “We will add this complaint to the spreadsheet,” the staffer said. “Right under ‘Seagulls Too Confident.'”
Bad Bunny Somehow Still at Fault
Although not performing, Bad Bunny was listed as a “symbolic halftime problem.”
“We do not know what he sings,” Riggins admitted, “but it sounds international, and that feels like geography.”
Music historian Carla Mendes offered context.
“Every era picks an artist to blame for social change,” she said. “Elvis had hips. Prince had eyeliner. Bad Bunny has global success and fashion confidence.”
One rally attendee tried to clarify his stance.
“I am not against music,” he said. “I just think songs should be about trucks, mild regret, or lawn equipment.”
A highly scientific online poll found 61.8 percent of those angry about Bad Bunny thought he was either a cartoon or an actual rabbit with a DJ career.
Boycott Impact Estimated at One Unbought Party Sub
Despite dramatic rhetoric, analysts predict limited consequences. According to the National Snack Consumption Bureau, 68 percent of boycott supporters already planned to complain about the game from a recliner.
One man proudly explained his sacrifice.
“I usually fall asleep during the second quarter,” he said. “Now I am doing it for freedom.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I love a boycott where the main hardship is not watching something you were going to nap through anyway.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Boston is where even the parking tickets feel academically reviewed.” – Ron White
“Seattle is a city that says ‘we hear you’ while it rains directly on your soul.” – Sarah Silverman
Officials React With Professional Shrugs
Boston officials confirmed they will continue being loud, educated, and emotionally invested in sports from 2004.
Seattle released a statement reading, “We hope everyone hydrates and layers appropriately.”
Bad Bunny continued not being involved at all.
Are these cities complicated, wealthy, innovative places with real challenges? Yes. Do critics love blaming “liberalism” for every pothole, rent hike, and awkward town hall? Also yes. Urban governance is messy everywhere. But if sarcasm were infrastructure, both cities would be flawlessly paved.
Disclaimer: This satirical news article is entirely fictional and meant for humor and commentary. It is the result of a fully human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No actual cities were harmed, though several stereotypes were lightly sautéed. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!