Trump Appoints Himself “Global Evacuation Tsar,” Misspells It on Hat
Following escalating tensions in the Middle East, former U.S. President Donald Trump has declared himself the Global Evacuation Tsar, claiming unilateral authority to advise, critique, or contradict evacuation efforts around the globe. The announcement came during a press conference held on the 18th green of a golf course in Bedminster.
“I am now the Evacooation Czar,” he declared, proudly pointing to a red hat embroidered with the same misspelling. “Two O’s, because I’m doubling the effort. Double evacuation. Tremendous escaping.”
Critics immediately seized on the typo, prompting Trump to double down. “It’s a special spelling. Russian spelling. Tsar with a Z is fake news. You wouldn’t understand. Ask Ivanka.”
The White House (current tenant: not him) issued a clarification that Trump has no official title, no authority, and no functioning relationship with international diplomacy. Meanwhile, the hat—now dubbed the “Evacooation Hat”—has gone viral on QAnon forums, where users believe it contains a secret code directing patriots to an underground bunker in Branson, Missouri.
Sources close to Trump say he’s begun issuing “Evacuation Decrees” via Truth Social, urging random cities to flee for vaguely defined reasons. Seattle, Boise, and parts of Lithuania have all received instructions to “GET OUT NOW.”
When asked how he defines a global emergency, Trump replied, “Anything involving windmills, low ratings, or people not clapping enough.”
The U.N. declined to comment but quietly added a rule banning golf carts from future Security Council briefings.
SOURCE: Tehran Evacuation Chaos