Scientists Baffled, Supporters Cheer “Global Warming of Weakness Ends Now”
Trump Claims Apologies Cause Climate Change
Scientists Baffled, Supporters Cheer “Global Warming of Weakness Ends Now”
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a move that left meteorologists breathless and fact-checkers hospitalized, Donald Trump declared today that apologies are the real cause of climate change. “Every time someone says “I’m sorry,’ it weakens the Earth’s core. That’s just science,” Trump insisted.
At a rally sponsored by coal-powered tanning beds, Trump waved a chart showing rising sea levels labeled “Liberal Tears.” He pointed at it, winked, and said, “You think this is ice caps? No. It’s guilt. Pure, soggy guilt.”
Fox News immediately commissioned a special called “The Sorry Storm: How Contrition Killed the Planet.” MSNBC responded with a 12-part rebuttal, which Trump supporters also blamed for rising temperatures. “Too many syllables, it generates heat,” claimed one MAGA hat engineer.
Dr. Marcus Freeze of the National Weather Center reluctantly responded: “That’s not anything. That’s not even close.”
But fans were undeterred. “I stopped saying sorry last year and now my tomatoes are thriving,” said Nancy from Arkansas. “Coincidence? No ma’am.”
Trump proposed an executive order to ban apologies within 100 feet of any glacier. “I want strong ice. Ice that never says sorry for being cold,” he explained.
Melania was spotted nodding silently, wearing a jacket reading, “I Really Don’t Apologize, Do U?”
As climate summits scramble to respond, Trump vowed to lead his own summit — on a yacht powered entirely by compliments.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
