Violators Must Attend Mandatory Confidence Reeducation Camp in Mar-a-Lago
Trump Declares “Apology-Free Zones” Across America, Includes Airports, Waffle Houses, and All of Florida
Violators Must Attend Mandatory Confidence Reeducation Camp in Mar-a-Lago
PALM BEACH, FL — In a sweeping executive directive scribbled on the back of a Denny’s placemat, President Trump has declared dozens of new “Apology-Free Zones” across the United States, including major airports, every Waffle House, NASCAR infields, and the entire state of Florida–“from the panhandle to the gator pits.”
“These are sacred spaces where remorse is illegal and confidence is king,” Trump announced, surrounded by a cheering crowd of shirtless men holding fishing poles and large belt buckles.
Each zone will feature signage reading: “NO REGRETS BEYOND THIS POINT TREMBLING IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE.”
Those caught muttering “I’m sorry” will be shipped to Mar-a-Lago’s new Confidence Reeducation Camp, where they will be taught to say “You’re welcome” while power-washing gold eagles and memorizing clips from The Apprentice.
Melania has applied for diplomatic immunity, citing Slovenian skepticism and high heel fatigue.
Initial reports show a 72% rise in unsolicited high-fives and a 43% drop in “bless your heart” levels across the South.
“This is what leadership looks like,” Trump said, waving an American flag shaped like a thumbs-up. “Apology-Free Zones are like TSA for feelings. And guess what? Feelings don’t fly anymore.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
