Now Staff Can Gaze Upon a Crowd Cheering Every Decision, Even the Lunch Order

Trump Declares Mirror Reflections “Too Humble,” Replaces All White House Mirrors With Televised Rallies

Now Staff Can Gaze Upon a Crowd Cheering Every Decision, Even the Lunch Order

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what he called a “bold cosmetic upgrade,” Donald Trump has ordered the immediate removal of all traditional mirrors from the White House, citing their failure to reflect his true greatness. In their place: continuous 24-hour video loops of his campaign rallies, complete with crowd chants, light shows, and fog machines.

“When I look in a mirror, I should feel cheered, not…normal,” Trump said. “A real mirror claps when I comb my hair. That’s just basic respect.”

Now, when aides brush their teeth or adjust a tie, they’re greeted by a crowd screaming “USA! USA!” and footage of Trump pointing at the camera and mouthing “You’re perfect.”

Melania tried to use a rally-mirror to apply lipstick and accidentally pledged allegiance to Iowa.

The change has boosted morale among staffers, most of whom now cry only once per week.

Tourists are being charged $99 to “see themselves as Trump sees them,” which includes a 30-second auto-tuned chant of their name followed by a confetti blast.

“These aren’t just reflections,” Trump explained. “They’re affirmations in HD.”

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SOURCES:

How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything

and

How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing