All Four Faces to Be His, Each Representing a Different Unapologetic Mood
Trump Declares Mount Rushmore “Outdated,” Proposes New Monument: Mount NoRegret
All Four Faces to Be His, Each Representing a Different Unapologetic Mood
SOUTH DAKOTA — During a surprise helicopter landing on the lawn of a bewildered park ranger, Donald J. Trump announced plans to “revitalize America’s stone-based ego” by replacing Mount Rushmore with a new monument called *Mount NoRegret.*
“The old guys are great, but they all had moments of hesitation,” Trump said. “We need something bolder. Firmer. Less sorry.”
The proposed monument features four massive stone Trumps:
- *Smirking Trump* — for when he knows he’s right and the media doesn’t
- *Shrugging Trump* — for when things go wrong but definitely not his fault
- *Pointing Trump* — usually at Obama or a windmill
- *Winking Trump* — for closed-door deals with plausible deniability
The Department of Interior expressed mild confusion, but Trump assured them, “You don’t need permits when you’re building history.”
The gift shop will feature “I Regret Nothing” hoodies and a souvenir hammer labeled *”For Chipping Away at Accountability.”*
Melania reportedly asked if she could be added to the mountain. Trump responded, “Maybe in the background, like a supportive boulder.”
Trump concluded, “America needs big rocks and bigger egos. Let’s get carving.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
