Historically Replaces Nuclear Button with Something He’ll Actually Press
Trump Installs Red “Don’t Apologize” Button in Oval Office, Uses It 73 Times a Day
Historically Replaces Nuclear Button with Something He’ll Actually Press
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move political historians are already calling “peak Trump,” the 45th President has installed a bright red “DON’T APOLOGIZE” button on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Whenever pressed, it plays an audio clip of Trump declaring, “You were wrong to expect I’d be wrong.”
Staffers say he’s hit the button 73 times daily on average, with peaks during interviews, indictments, or minor inconveniences like being asked to wear a tie.
“We used to worry about the nuclear football,” said one aide. “Now we worry he’ll wear out the speaker system.”
When asked if the button was symbolic, Trump responded, “No, it’s real. It’s chrome-plated with Ivanka’s initials. And it makes me feel enormous.”
The previous button–used to summon Diet Cokes–has been demoted to the golf cart.
Melania was reportedly told the button was “off-limits,” and when she pressed it, it played a remix of Trump shouting “Fake news!” in four languages.
According to Secret Service logs, the button’s wiring also triggers a puff of cologne and a spray of gold glitter. “Because why not?” Trump asked. “America deserves pizzazz.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
