Users Demand More Sweat, Less Stillness from Spiritual Programming
NEW YORK, NY — Peloton’s new Gandhi Meditation Series has sparked outrage among users who claim the sessions “lack cardio, conflict, and calorie-burning potential.” The series, titled *Stillness Speaks: With Mahatma*, features 45-minute videos of Gandhi sitting silently in a sunbeam while offering occasional wisdom like, “The self cannot be spotted by a heart monitor.”
“I burned more calories scrolling to the class than during it,” fumed user @SpinDaddy44. “Where’s the HIIT? Where’s the hustle? I can be spiritually dead on my own time.”
The platform promoted the series as a “transformative alternative to the culture of burn,” but investors and instructors were less enthusiastic. “We had to refund dozens of subscriptions,” said one Peloton VP. “Turns out, people don’t want a class that ends with “Now do nothing for 12 hours.'”
Gandhi reportedly refused to wear branded moisture-wicking linen, saying, “Peace absorbs better than fabric.” Instead, he recorded each session in a candlelit attic using only breath and a 1937 microphone powered by moral conviction.
Fitness influencers quickly jumped on the controversy. One viral video titled “I Tried Gandhi Yoga and Now My Abs Hate Me” featured a woman crying into a bowl of bone broth. Others accused the series of pushing “toxic tranquility” and “nonviolent elitism.”
Peloton has responded by launching a new hybrid model: *Meditation Intervals*, where Gandhi’s quotes are intercut with 30-second burpee sprints narrated by Tony Robbins. Reviews are mixed.
Gandhi, when asked for comment, simply closed his eyes and mouthed, “The resistance is in you.” As of press time, the Gandhi Series holds a 3.2-star rating, mostly from people who claim they accidentally found inner peace and now can’t enjoy brunch.
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