Press Briefings Now End With Finger Guns and a Wink
White House Replaces “I’m Sorry” With “You’re Welcome” in All Official Communications
Press Briefings Now End With Finger Guns and a Wink
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping linguistic overhaul ordered directly from the Oval Office hot tub, the Trump administration has banned the phrase “I’m sorry” from all official government communications, replacing it with the phrase “You’re welcome.”
“It’s called projecting strength,” Press Secretary Trent Crackerbarrel announced while sipping a Red Bull from a gold chalice. “When FEMA misses your house, we say, “You’re welcome for the challenge.'”
The new policy applies to:
- Press releases (“You’re welcome for the confusion”)
- Diplomatic cables (“You’re welcome for our unfiltered greatness”)
- Presidential pardons (“You’re welcome, even though you were probably guilty”)
At press briefings, reporters now receive statements signed with a stylized Trump logo and punctuated by finger guns and a lingering wink from junior staffers.
One anonymous staffer admitted, “Honestly, this is still better than when we tried the “shrug emoji’ format.”
The State Department is reportedly struggling with the transition, especially during calls with Germany. “Their entire culture is built on carefully curated regret,” said one exhausted translator.
Trump, when asked about backlash, replied, “They’re lucky we didn’t go with my first idea — ending every apology with “but I was right.'”
=========
SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
