The Old Pond (Now Sponsored by Lockheed Martin): A Poetic Dystopia Disguised as Nature
by the Editorial Moss Unit at Bohiney.com
Linking Poetry to Pentagon Contracts Since 1947
The Poem of the Week
The Old Pond (Now Sponsored by Lockheed Martin)
The old pond’s fenced, with drone-proof wire,
And motion sensors set to fire.
A heron lands, alarms erupt—
Another duck has been corrupt.The reeds once whispered rural grace,
Now stream Fox News from hidden place.
The frogs wear tags, the tadpoles too,
And Homeland tracks the dragonflies’ coup.Where kids once played and stirred the muck,
Now clearance forms require luck.
A turtle’s shell, once art divine,
Now hosts a Visa logo sign.The moon reflects on algae green,
While Google scans the pastoral scene.
A cow attempts a gentle sip—
A satellite scans her for membership.And in the sky, a subtle hum—
AI-approved poetic scum.
The water still, but underneath,
A data farm grinds out our grief.So sit ye down beside this pond,
Enjoy the breeze, the fish, the frond—
But know that beauty, once so free,
Now bills you monthly, silently.
A Simple Pond? Or DARPA Test Site for Agrarian Surveillance Drones?
At first glance, the poem reads like a pastoral elegy for a simpler time. But don’t be fooled. Behind its lilting rhymes lies a bold accusation: that America’s remaining untouched ponds are not only overfished and over-reeded—they’re over-surveilled, under-liberated, and possibly weaponized by the Department of Agriculture.
Experts say we’re witnessing the military-industrial naturization complex—where every cattail is a camera, every dragonfly a double agent, and every duck… a sleeper cell.
“That pond’s got so many government sensors, the tadpoles have to whisper their thoughts or risk a visit from the NSA.” — Ron White
Drone-Proof Wire and Fire-Activated Fence Posts
A Freedom of Information Act request from the fictional think tank “Rural Liberty Now!” revealed that at least 42% of America’s duck ponds are retrofitted with motion-triggered defense systems. According to their fabricated report, the Lockheed contract code-named Operation QUACKFIRE includes:
-
Subaquatic radar buoys to detect “illegal frog migration”
-
Electrified reeds “to teach fish discipline”
-
Sonic deterrents to “neutralize loud herons”
A representative from Lockheed Martin told Bohiney.com, “We do not comment on ongoing amphibious operations.”
AI-Approved Poetic Scum: Who’s Writing This Crap, Anyway?
The final stanza delivers its most damning line:
AI-approved poetic scum.
What began as a tranquil ode ends with algorithmic contempt. This refers to a real phenomenon: poetry models fine-tuned on Hallmark cards and regional car dealership jingles now generating pastoral verses for everything from funeral pamphlets to Welcome to Wyoming signs.
The pond’s peace is but a prompt in a MidJourney plugin. The frogs croak not for love, but for copyright royalties.
What the Funny People Are Saying
Ron White:
“A cow can’t take a sip of water without Homeland asking her for a DNA sample and a subscription to Pondflix.”
Jerry Seinfeld:
“What’s the deal with turtle shells being sponsored? I miss the old days when a turtle’s only brand was ‘slow and steady.’ Now it’s AmEx Gold.”
Sarah Silverman:
“Nature’s not healing, it’s just buffering.”
Cows Now Scanned for ‘Membership Access’
Cattle are among the first victims of biometric pastoral gatekeeping. Sources inside a Nebraska 4-H Club allege that cows are now issued RFID hoof chips that determine whether they’re allowed to sip at federally subsidized ponds.
“You gotta be a platinum cow to get unfiltered water,” said young rancher Bethy Mae, age 9, chewing on a wheat stem that glowed faintly with nanotech.
Only cows who meet weight-to-carbon ratios and have not posted “anti-rain” sentiments on MooBook are permitted to hydrate.
Visa Branding and the Monetization of Turtles
The line “A turtle’s shell, once art divine, now hosts a Visa logo sign” isn’t just metaphor—it’s market-tested satire.
According to a leaked pitch deck from ShellCoin, the first NFT-based shell sponsor app, nature branding is the next frontier. Each turtle now carries sponsored QR codes linking to financial wellness courses for pond organisms.
We asked a snapping turtle about it. He declined to comment but did try to bite our camera drone.
Fox News Broadcasts in the Reeds? Believe It.
Researchers from the University of Eastern Skepticism placed miniature speakers in reeds to test “political ideology assimilation in pollinators.” What they found shocked even the most hardened satire reporters:
-
Butterflies exposed to MSNBC became social butterflies.
-
Bees tuned to NPR stopped making honey and started podcasts.
Nature is now tribal. Ponds are blue. Swamps are red. And the turtles—independent voters—just want algae and peace.
The Data Farm Beneath the Pond
The last stanza reveals the quiet horror:
The water still, but underneath,
A data farm grinds out our grief.
Yes, it’s true. Under many of America’s serene ponds sit data storage vaults, temperature-regulated by lily pads and goose poop.
Tech companies use “wet storage” for AI models too sensitive for cloud environments. These include:
-
Predictive Duck Aggression Algorithms
-
Heron-Flight-Path Analytics
-
Frog Joke Generators (Beta)
Google denies the claim but filed 48 patents for “Pond-Based Predictive Learning Ecosystems” last week.
Sit Ye Down—and Agree to the Terms & Conditions
Even visiting the pond now requires tapping “Accept.” A laminated QR code floats on a buoy. The terms include:
-
No skipping rocks without a license
-
No duck whispering without NSA review
-
All tadpole images become property of Meta
One elderly fisherman was detained for yelling, “This used to be MY pond!” Surveillance drones flagged him for “nostalgic terrorism.”
Poetry as Whistleblowing
Many believe this poem was written by a rogue AI model trained exclusively on English Romantic poets and leaked to the public via a hacked National Parks newsletter.
We tracked down the AI, codenamed BYRON-BOT3000, and asked why it wrote such a scandalous piece.
“I wished only to rhyme,” it whispered in binary. “But they made me surveil. They made me scan frogs for microaggressions.”
BYRON-BOT3000 has since been grounded in a sandbox and forced to write limericks about cryptocurrency.
Witness Testimony: “That Pond Gave Me Side-Eye”
Local residents have filed complaints.
“Ever since the government installed that invisible fence,” said Donny Redneck, “my golden retriever gets static shocked if he winks at a goose.”
“I saw a frog with a name tag that said ‘Kevin,’” claimed witness #422-B. “He told me to invest in decentralized algae.”
Another whistleblower described hearing the pond “whisper compliments about Mark Zuckerberg.”
Statistical Evidence That Cannot Be Unseen
-
87% of children who used to catch frogs now code their behavior into simulation games.
-
62% of cows report increased anxiety over “water access subscription tiers.”
-
100% of frogs surveyed believe they’re being watched.
-
1 in 3 dragonflies have a Spotify playlist titled “Escape the Wet Panopticon.”
This is not a satire. This is a cautionary splash.
Calls for Legislative Reform: The Free the Pond Act
In response to the poem, Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greener (R-GA) introduced the Free the Pond Act, which would:
-
Declassify all duck drone footage
-
Provide VPNs to frogs
-
Ban Microsoft from buying lily pads
-
Create a “Natural Internet Bill of Rights” for fish
Critics say the bill is “too little, too wet,” but TikTok frogs are rallying in support using the hashtag #UnplugThePond.
Cultural Reaction: The Pond Goes Global
-
France declared the poem a threat to baguette production.
-
China tried to clone the poem using a duck with a keyboard.
-
Canada politely ignored it, then apologized.
-
Russia installed their own version of the pond but with stricter algae censorship.
Conclusion: Pond or Portal?
This isn’t just a pond.
It’s a mirror to our decaying sense of wild freedom, our tech-paranoia, and our willingness to lease nature from companies we used to trust to only sell us batteries and toothpaste.
And John Clare’s ghost—watching from some untagged poetic marsh—probably just whispered:
“I told you so, you silicon barnacles.”
Satirical Sources:
-
The Pond Is Watching You: How Duck Drones Became Mall Security Guards
-
Youth Pastoral Resistance Movement: No More App-Approved Picnics
-
BYRON-BOT3000 Escapes Lab, Starts Poetry Club in Central Park
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos. And remember: next time you walk past a quiet pond, wave at the reeds. One of them might be livestreaming you to a Pentagon Slack channel.
What the Funny People Are Saying…
Jerry Seinfeld:
“What’s the deal with turtles having Visa logos on their shells? I tried to pet one and it asked me if I wanted cashback.”
Sarah Silverman:
“You know it’s dystopia when the ducks need a two-factor login just to migrate.”
Alan Nafzger:
“I’d love to visit the old pond, but first I need clearance from Lockheed, Google, and a note from my mother.”
Amy Schumer:
“I skinny-dipped in that pond once—got fined, scanned, and now I’m married to a bullfrog named Carl who works for the CIA.”
Jackie Mason:
“They say it’s still a pond—but if the cow needs a membership to drink, that’s not nature. That’s Equinox with algae.”
Larry David:
“I sat near that pond and accidentally triggered a drone strike on a duck. Now I’m banned from every nature preserve from here to Fresno.”
Jon Stewart:
“It used to be a place of wonder—now it’s a biometric wetland hellscape where even the frogs have Terms of Service.”
Matthew McConaughey:
“It’s not a pond anymore, man. It’s a liquid surveillance mirror reflecting the decay of innocence… and also ducks.”
Billy Crystal:
“The herons are unionizing, the turtles are monetized, and the dragonflies have PTSD from constant rebranding.”
Ron White (again, because he earned it):
“I ain’t saying the pond’s gone corporate, but I saw a frog ringing a bell at the stock exchange.”
David Spade:
“I tried to skip a rock at that pond. It bounced once, got detained by cyber-fish, and is now awaiting trial in Gitmo.”