Texas Declares War on Hemp: Farmers Ordered to Grow Cactus, Protest With Dandelions

By Waylon Grizzleton, Agriculture Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine Satire Desk

WEST TEXAS— In a legislative move hailed by absolutely no botanists and puzzled by 98% of rural voters, the Texas Legislature has declared an all-out cultural and agricultural war on hemp, THC, and “plants that look like they have opinions.” The ban, expected to take effect later this summer, includes everything with a whisper of THC, even if it’s less potent than chamomile tea and about as addictive as a knit scarf.

This comes after Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick reportedly mistook a hemp gummy for a communion wafer at a legislative brunch, began speaking in tongues, and accused the salad bar of being “a gateway vegetable.”

The bill—titled “The Moral Fiber Over Hemp Fiber Act”—passed the Texas Senate by a margin of 24 “yeehaws” to 7 “wait, what?”s, with one abstention due to an unexpected case of the munchies.

“Hemp Is Just a Liberal Weed with a Marketing Degree”

Lt. Gov. Patrick explained his crusade at a recent press conference held outside a Buc-ee’s in Waco.

“Let me be real clear: If it’s leafy and it makes my nephew feel feelings, it’s banned. Hemp is just the marijuana plant wearing khakis. Don’t fall for it.”

Patrick then introduced the state’s alternative crop initiative: a statewide cactus cultivation program called “Prickly But Pure.”

“Cactus is God’s plant,” he said. “It survives drought, doesn’t get you high, and has the same attitude as a Texas grandma—spiky but nurturing if you earn its trust.”

The Department of Agriculture launched a cactus startup guide the next day, titled “Succulent Sovereignty: The Texan’s Guide to Pointy Purity.” It features diagrams for arranging your cacti to spell out “Second Amendment,” tips for brewing cactus tea that “tastes like gunpowder and integrity,” and a prayer for crop protection that opens with, “Dear Lord, please forgive us for ever liking kombucha.”

Farmers Respond: “Y’all Want Us to Grow What Now?”

The rural response has been described as “somewhere between bemused and violently horticultural.” Hemp farmers across the state have staged peaceful protests by planting vast fields of dandelions, declaring them the new “freedom flower.”

“We figured they were yellow, stubborn, and pop up everywhere you don’t want them. That’s basically the spirit of Texas,” said Earl Hickenbottom, a fifth-generation farmer from Lubbock who now identifies as “florally disobedient.”

Earl wore a t-shirt that read: “Dandelions: Weed the People” and carried a pitchfork topped with a fresh bouquet.

“They took our hemp. What’s next? Tomatoes? You know salsa’s addictive too. Should we outlaw flavor now?”

THC Panic Reaches School Textbooks

The Texas Board of Education is already scrambling to rewrite agricultural textbooks. Chapter 4, once titled “The Economic Value of Hemp,” has been renamed “The Leafy Threat to Liberty.”

Educators were instructed to teach children that:

• Hemp once tried to unionize corn.

• THC molecules form into tiny hammers and sickles under microscopes.

• George Washington never grew hemp, but rather “patriotic cotton.”

Schoolchildren in San Angelo were issued coloring books titled “Cactus, the Constitutional Plant” which includes connect-the-dots portraits of Ronald Reagan made entirely of aloe vera spikes.

New Enforcement Wing: “The Bureau of Moral Photosynthesis”

To enforce the ban, the Texas government announced the formation of a special task force: The Bureau of Moral Photosynthesis, or BMP for short.

The BMP is comprised of former mall cops, disgraced rodeo clowns, and retired Sunday school teachers with binoculars.

“We’re not targeting plants, we’re targeting behavior,” said BMP spokesperson Deborah Godbless, while holding up a confiscated pothos plant. “This one was too chill.”

Texans have been encouraged to report any suspicious foliage to the ‘Weed Watch’ hotline. The BMP promises amnesty for anyone who turns in their neighbor’s “funky plants” in exchange for vouchers redeemable at Bass Pro Shops or Chick-fil-A.

Black Market Dandelions Bloom in Dallas

Meanwhile, an underground economy of banned flora is flourishing. In Dallas, the “Dandy Cartel” now sells unregulated dandelion seeds out of old lunchboxes at tailgates and swap meets. Farmers in Amarillo whisper about speakeasy-style greenhouses where you can “get the good fluff.”

“We’ve always been an innovative state,” said June McMurtry, an ex-hemp grower turned dandelion dealer. “If the government says no to flowers, we just make the flowers sneakier.”

Cactus Training Centers Open in Abilene

To encourage compliance with the new law, the Texas Department of Agriculture opened a cactus cultivation training center in Abilene, offering 6-week intensive courses in “Desert Agility.”

The curriculum includes:

• How to hug a cactus emotionally (not physically)

• Praying over prickles

• Making your own cactus leather underwear

• Competitive cactus lassoing

One student, Chad “Dusty” Vaughn, said the cactus lifestyle appealed to him.

“I like that it doesn’t need water. Hydration is woke.”

Evangelical Pastors Weigh In: “God Smokes Sage, Not Hemp”

Churches across the state have joined the war on hemp. Reverend Billy Mac Truther of The Baptist Church of the Burning Bush That Doesn’t Contain THC gave a Sunday sermon titled: “Jesus Turned Water Into Wine, Not Weed”

“The devil is in the cannabinoids,” he shouted to a packed congregation waving Bibles and aloe vera stems. “Hemp is what made Lot’s wife look back!”

The church’s youth group is now required to memorize verses from Leviticus and grow succulents on windowsills as a sign of purity. One young congregant said he was “praying his jade plant into heaven.”

Cactus Lobbyists Hit the Capitol

Not to be outdone by Big Hemp, Big Cactus—represented primarily by Prickly American Growers and Sundry Interests Coalition (PAGSIC)—has stormed the Capitol with PowerPoints, prayer circles, and smoothies that taste like dusty lime.

“Cactus is everything hemp is not: dry, tough, bitter, and great in tequila,” declared lobbyist Marsha Thorn, who handed out cactus soaps shaped like Sam Houston.

They’ve proposed a constitutional amendment declaring the prickly pear Texas’ official plant and banning any plant with more than three syllables in its Latin name.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I didn’t know the state could ban being mellow. What’s next, laughter?” — Ron White

“Texas banning THC is like banning boots because someone stubbed a toe. Yeehaw logic.” — Sarah Silverman

“They’re replacing hemp with cactus? That’s not agriculture. That’s a punishment kink.” — Wanda Sykes

“You know you’re in Texas when people cheer for a plant that bites back.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Dandelions are the new protest signs. And way cheaper than lawyers.” — Dave Chappelle

“When you outlaw plants, only outlaws will garden.” — Ricky Gervais

“The only high in Texas should be from patriotism and spicy chili.” — Larry the Cable Guy

“I tried cactus tea once. My tongue is still hiding under the bed.” — Jim Gaffigan

“I feel like Texas wants us to farm resentment.” — Amy Schumer

“Dandelions don’t judge. Unlike my cousin Earl, who thinks he’s better because he grows cucumbers.” — Kevin Hart

Dandelion Defiance Goes Viral

The protests have now spread beyond farms. Urban gardening collectives in Austin are staging “Floral Flash Mobs” where participants throw dandelion fluff in government buildings and chant, “Weed the People!”

Dallas yoga studios now offer a new class: “Photosynthetic Resistance,” where participants stretch under grow lights and whisper their favorite banned terpenes.

One viral TikTok video shows a group of teens dressing as bees and aggressively pollinating city parks while screaming, “You can’t stop the bloom!”

Agricultural Experts Beg for Sanity

Agricultural economist Dr. Carla Wenders of Texas A&M published an op-ed titled “Cactus Is Not an Economic Strategy, It’s a Mood.” She warned the ban would devastate small farms, lead to soil degradation, and increase the risk of “agricultural sass.”

“Hemp was one of the few crops that made Texas money without requiring a miracle or a mariachi band,” she wrote.

The piece was widely shared—then banned from public libraries for using the term “plant-based income.”

Dandelions Invade Capitol Lawn

In a climactic act of protest, a rogue group of horticulturists called “The Green Thumb Underground” managed to seed the entire Capitol lawn with fast-blooming dandelions. Within 72 hours, yellow blossoms dotted the manicured grounds like bursts of insolent sunshine.

Capitol staff attempted to mow them down, but they only returned stronger. Some appeared to be organized in the shape of Willie Nelson’s face.

The Governor’s office released a statement calling the incident “an act of eco-insurgency” and vowed to “launch Operation Lawnmower Freedom.”

Closing Thoughts from the Fields

Back on Earl Hickenbottom’s land, now a sea of golden dandelions swaying defiantly in the wind, the farmer sits in a rocking chair and reflects.

“You can ban a plant. You can even ban a gummy. But you can’t ban stubbornness. That’s our biggest crop.”

He sips a mason jar of dandelion tea, tips his hat to a cactus on the horizon, and adds:

“I don’t know what future we’re growing anymore, but by God, it’ll be prickly or it’ll be yellow.”

Disclaimer: This satirical news story is a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured philosophy professor and a Texan dairy farmer who once mistook kale for a conspiracy. No THC was harmed in the writing of this article.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.