Skydance Buys Paramount, Declares “We’re All Just IP Now”

In the biggest corporate acquisition since Disney bought all of your childhood for $71 billion, Skydance Media has officially swallowed Paramount Global like a python with a nostalgic appetite. The merger, valued at somewhere between the GDP of a mid-sized country and your student loan balance, consolidates nearly every recognizable brand that hasn’t already been rebooted into a musical.

“We’re all just IP now,” declared Skydance CEO David Ellison, blinking into the future with the haunted optimism of a man who just realized he now owns the rights to both Mission: Impossible and Blue’s Clues.

Critics warn this is the final nail in the coffin for creativity, as studios no longer develop characters but instead trade them like baseball cards. Paramount board members were reportedly seen playing Texas Hold ‘Em with stacks of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Star Trek, and half a Tom Cruise.

Financial analysts predict the next five years will see massive IP consolidation, with rumors that HBO will be acquired by LEGO and that Netflix is in talks to license your family tree for content purposes. One exec was overheard whispering, “Soon, every thought will belong to a franchise.”

Meanwhile, on Wall Street, stocks for nostalgia futures are surging—especially after news broke that Alf will be rebooted as a dystopian space vigilante.